Rambles from E-Diary (TW: SH)

Hello! This blog post is a copy and paste from my e-diary on google drive. I DO want to let you know that this includes lots of venting, mentions of suicide and swearing (if that isn't your thing lmao).

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June 27th, 2025

Life feels weird right now. It feels real,but it doesn't, if you know what I mean. I have been paying attention to senses like touch and thinking on how we can actually feel or taste, or even how pain feels. I was testing how pain feels so much that there is a small dent in my head at the moment, but it is almost gone now. More on the feel thing, I think it's a bit weird how we can feel through something that isn't directly touching our nerve endings (which basically enable the sense of touch).

July 8th, 2025
One of my friends that moved to the UK a month ago has now ghosted me and had their friends block me, so I deleted them and their messages from my phone as it was adding to the weird feeling. Looking through all of our messages really made me realise how good of a friendship we had built, and made me want to cry as I know I would never see, hear, or text him or his friends ever again. I deleted over 10 thousand messages, and that doesn’t even count our pinterest messages between each other and the friend group we had created. It makes me feel really weird about friendships as I am now aware of how friendships can just… end? Abruptly? Could it really have just fallen apart with a click of a button? It makes me feel anxious and makes me wonder if I did anything wrong as a person to him or his friends. It keeps me up at night as I really thought we would be able to see each other again. I also have realised what that weird feeling was. Death has been on my mind since my 13th birthday as I have suddenly developed a fear of it. It just feels weird that every living thing on this earth will eventually die, including you and me. It just feels scary, you know? At least I know I won't be the only one dying as I will be dying with someone else in the world that is probably scared too. I just have a weird, irrational fear of dying as there is a possibility that there isn’t anything waiting for living beings when we die. What does make me feel better is that energy never gets fully rid of, and keeps living on. The thought of death makes me wonder if I did waste time as a child. I stared at the ceiling a month ago literally doing nothing at all for a good hour and a half, and I was thinking if I could have done anything better with that time. I could have been doing surveys on inboxdollars to make money, I could have been coding, I could have been figuring out how to use fiverr, or do literally anything else that could be productive. Maybe I just had to be human for a minute and just… think? I honestly don’t know.

July 11th, 2025

Life doesn’t feel real right now. I also feel a dark presence following me everywhere, like a burden, and I don’t know how to get rid of it or make it go away. Besides that, today has been great. Did a workout  (would love to start doing it daily), went on spacehey for a bit, etcetc.

June 14th, 2025

I’m finally healing from getting ghosted by one of my best friends. I’m realizing that I will be able to find other people like them (that don’t fucking ghost me lmao).They shared a bunch of the same interests as me, and I already have other people in my life that didn’t move away.

July 23rd, 2025

I REALLY need advice. I don’t know who or what I am. Am I a man? Am I a woman? Am I… nothing? I really don’t know how to identify myself, as I feel like I want to be a woman, but I also want to be a man, but I also don’t want to really even have a gender. Maybe I'm genderfluid? Maybe I'm an androsexual? Maybe i’m just going in and out of my fucking head and am being a lunatic. The current state of the world is also not helping me choose… Do I have to choose? Am I going to be questioning who I am for the rest of my life.I am WALKING myself into suicidal thoughts along with this, but I would rather not talk about this on a public google drive. I know this is a bit silly, but I'm kinda feeling “Sympathy Is a Knife”, by Charli XCX. Its about her relationship with Taylor swift and how she could never be her even if she had her fame. I’m feeling that if I DO make a decision on who I want to be, I would NEVER be able to achieve the body I'd want, no matter how hard I try and how much money and time I have.