The Early Blurb 18

Good morning.

I got discouraged from writing for a little while because my last attempt I wrote for quite some time and my internet cut off, so it erased everything I wrote. Had to step away after that, lol.

Anyway, this morning I was thinking about how I express emotion, more specifically gratitude. I think I've always been famously bad at it, but at least back when I was a kid I went to enough family gatherings to be pestered into the right behavior for a while. Be overly thankful, with a big smile, and be LOUD about it. I was good at it, I could play the part. I had always been good at playing pretend to make others happy.

I'm not sure if I've always been like this or if it's something thats surfaced recently, and I think I'm about to answer my own question. I have this memory from when I lost my 11th doctor action figure/doll. Due to object permanence I had forgotten I lost him since he had been gone from my sight for a while, but once I found him buried under a pile of junk I became so overcome with emotion. I wanted to cry, fall to my knees, hug him tightly and never let go, and thank god I found him.

But I just sort of, stared at it, and smiled. I had so many emotions going through my head and I WANTED to cry, I wanted to feel that release. But I was doing it wrong. The whole emotions thing, anyway. Thats the first time I can recall reacting in my "own way" to something, without it being performative. Another time was when I had gotten back from midnight Christmas mass (catholic thing) and mom gave me a present. We had a tradition of opening one present on christmas eve, and the rest in the morning. Unless we only had one present each, but I digress.

My mom gives me this doctor who themed lamp. It's beautiful. The lampshade has three different shots of the 11th doctor, the lamp stand is his sonic and it opens and lights up. I was overwhelmed with joy and gratitude, but it was also most likely around 3am.

I said something like, "Wow, mommy, this is great, thank you." but didn't really emote after that. I could see her expression kind of wane a bit, and I felt a sinking feeling like, oh shit, I forgot to play pretend again.

I don't remember quite how old I was exactly, but I couldn't have been older than 10 at that point.

I still deal with this issue now, and it's very frustrating. I can express gratitude very well over text, with the all-cap letters and emojis and reaction images, but current-moment appreciation is just not my strong suit. I often find myself thanking someone twice. Once in person as to not seem rude, and a second time when I can actually use/appreciate the item fully. It's not that every gift I'm given has to be useful, quite the opposite, I love little notes or just sweet silly things that made someone think of me. I love the touchy-feely stuff. But I can't ever seem to show that in the moment. A good and fairly recent example of this was when I got a sketchbook for either my birthday or christmas last year, I can't quite remember, but I got a sketchbook from one of my friends. It was very sweet, but I was already in the middle of using a sketchbook at the time and didn't need a new one.

Fast forward 6 months later and I finally need to use it, and I shot her a text.

7/18/2025

just finished up the sketchbook i've been working on for a while and was bummed i had to get a new one

[9:04 AM]

then i remembered you got me one

[9:04 AM]

  :)  

I don't know why I work like this, and I sort of wish I didn't, but I find my own ways to make up for it.