i wish i could be treated the same way that i treat others.

Despite having poor conduct & being a "bad kid" when I was growing up & in school, I was always really good to the people I cared about. I remember skipping class one day, but the reasoning was righteous, because I was hiding in the girl's locker room with my friend while she was crying & needed me to be there for her. 

I maybe didn't like following the rules, did stupid shit & got in trouble a lot because of my whole  "fuck it, I'll do what I want" attitude, but one thing is for sure - I've always loved my friends. I've always dropped everything to be there for them & try to show them love however I can. I'd even get into fights over them when they got picked on or beat up on. So I got into fights with not jsut my own bullies, but theirs as well.

Because next to none of them could defend themselves very well & I was the token "bad kid" of that group, my nerdy friend group & was the "dork" of my "bad friend" group; so I was somewhere between the two. 

The point is that I'd do anything for the people I truly care about. I'm always honest & straight up. I don't hide shit. I don't change up on anyone. You don't wanna know how much money I have shelled out to help folks out of a bind; but what I've noticed over the years is that it's not money that's ever mattered or has had the most impact on people. 

It's the resource you can't make back - time, that is the best & most precious thing you can give to someone. So, you have to be very careful to not waste it on the wrong people that are only there to leech off of you.

All that said, lately I've just been thinking about the fact that I have people in my life, who I consider friends, that will disappear for so long, never even ask how I am or hardly talk to me at all; then will appear out of thin air when something goes wrong & they need someone. But soon after they're gone again. We don't talk or laugh together. I'm just sort of treated like the punching bag or like the token empath/"therapist" friend.

I hate just being treated like the "emotionally safe" person & not like what I have going on myself even matters. It bothers me slightly that they don't at least ask me if I'm okay here & there. That's 90% of the reason that I don't really open up to others very much tbh. Because I've essentially convinced myself that no one really gives a fuck. 

Reason being that hardly anyone ever asks about what I've been doing or about what all I have going on, the focus is more around what they have going on usually - which is fine; because like I've been saying, I genuinely enjoy being there for people & helping them. But I hate feeling like I don't exist to others 90% of the time until shit hits the fan for them at some point, when I'm over here smiling & am so happy on the outside, but I still struggle a lot internally. Next to no one is even aware of my issues deep down. 

I relate to Robin Williams a lot. I love making people laugh; being able to kindly console others & offer some very deep, wise insight to them, but just like him I don't feel great a lot of the time. My medication helps me very much of course, but I do still struggle here & there. But less due to my chronic illnesses & more over things that actually make sense to be sad over now; one of the major things being that I cannot seem to get others to treat me how I treat them.

It's just that I've always been the one checking up on everybody, making sure that they're all good; & I wish people checked on me the same way for a change & would reach out more, make sure that I'm okay. Because maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm overwhelmed & coming apart, but I don't want to reach out because I assume nobody cares &/or I don't want to bother & bog them down with my shit. 

I think my whole mindset with that formed when I was a teenager & my parents always wanted me to "come talk to them if something was wrong or I had a problem" but anytime I did it would cause a fight & I'm getting yelled at. Because most of my issues revolved around them & how they were treating me. But they didn't want to hear it. 

I assume that's why I began being there so much for everyone else because I wasn't getting it at home from my family. The school faculty also viewed me as a bad apple, a good student academically, I just couldn't behave. So they weren't there for me either. However, I acted out because of my family being against me, which caused them all to be out for me even more each year. Just one big ass cycle really. 

But I digress, that was why I always clung so much to my friends. Because they actually knew me personally & knew that I wasn't bad. That while maybe I looked wild & acted like a punk - I was a good friend. I still am. I still talk to just about all of them. 

But anyway, how I got treated growing up is where I assume it all started & was why I really began to shut down. That's why I've always chosen to internalize because then I can just externalize later through my blogging or just yapping online in general. 

It was MySpace, then Facebook, then Instagram & now Spacehey. 

I choose to do this instead because I guess I just feel like no one cares if they never bother to ask or to try & talk to me outside of wanting to talk about themselves. I suppose it's because even just having a stranger's ear means more to me than none at all.