[Vent, recovery] No polish today :[

These posts haven’t been performing as well as expected, and honestly I feel fucking horrible today, so… No polish of the day :[

In general I’m just having a really hard time with the responsibilities of life and my absolute inability to keep up with them, as well as just… The state of the world, and grappling with my own feelings about my recovery (or lackthereof…) In general, I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress over the last year or so towards my goals of taking better care of myself, getting more serious about my art, making friends and putting myself out there, no job, no (decent) car, no license, no new piercings, my hair has gotten far too long again, and it still isn’t blue. I can’t fucking afford anything, all my appliances are breaking, and I have nobody in my life to physically help me with *anything.* Like, everyone thinks I’m a bum but nobody really ever helps me get better, and when I struggle on my own because I don’t reasonably have the resources, I’m just expected to power through and suck it up. 

Idk, I know this stuff probably doesn’t matter to anyone, but sometimes screaming into the void is nice. I think lots of people are starving for authentic interaction online, and well.. These are my authentic thoughts. It’s really hard to not beat myself up over not being able to do things that people within my age range reasonably can and have already achieved because they actually have meaningful support, and not just… Family that does the bare minimum of feed and house you. 

I can’t wait to feel like myself, at least. Other than that I don’t have much to look forward to, and my days are pretty boring. I try to stay upbeat, interact with people, but… I’m socially stunted, and not particularly good at being social.. I think a lot of my friendships came from forced proximity, nowadays opportunities for forced proximity are pretty rare. I find that when I start conversations with people, if they aren’t organically started they just… Don’t go anywhere. I don’t know, maybe I’m just… Not interesting or attractive? I don’t like to think that way, but I think about that often. I just wish I had more control over my circumstances, I guess. There’s way too many factors that go into whether you have or don’t have friends. Maybe I’d have more friends if I could still be active on Discord? But, unfortunately, a couple months ago I was banned due to a fluke with the automod system, and lost my account of several years. Discord was kind of my only source of connection and forced proximity, especially when it came to subculture stuff. 

I think part of me will always feel like a lonely little kid who has to constantly over-exert themselves for scraps of attention. It’s silly how much socialization and having community means to humans, and how much it physically and mentally fucks you to not have it. It shouldn’t hurt so much to think about the possibility that you never find the romantic love you’re looking for, but it does. Even just, not having friends screws you. 

I don’t know, I’m really tired of, like, pretending I’m functioning?? Anyway, If you read down this far, you get a sneak peek of tomorrow’s polish pull. The color is pink/magenta, the finish is shimmer. Mcbling girlies just you wait because I already have the color in mind, and this one is for you.