Report Blog Entry
You know that feeling you get when you're missing something you know you can't have anymore?
I used to be a competitive figure skater when I was younger. I skated for years. I was good at it too, I passed all of my levels, I passed my assessments, I won competitions, and I loved my art.
Skating was the one thing in my life that I knew would never change. I was always moving, whether it was cities, countries, continents even, I knew that I would take my skates with me and it would always be my outlet in life, the place that I could go. A place where people didn't have to know my name, people didn't need to know what really was happening. It was my life. My whole life.
My coaches no matter where I went always said I was 'gifted', that I held a joy, a certain elegance that not many had when performing seeing as most focused on their tricks and spins. I loved it. I was always an ice skater.
But I can't skate anymore. I suppose it's out of fear.
I had just moved again, and I was at a new ice rink, one that I hadn't scoped out prior (which was stupid, I usually check out the rink beforehand because ice is different in different countries or at different rinks). I was just really anxious all week and I needed to go skating, all I was thinking was "I need to get on the ice" not "I should check the ice first".
Anyways, I had laced up my skates, I got on the ice and I noticed it was a lot more slippery than the kind of ice I was used to. A lot more slippery. But I thought I was fine, so I put my headphones on and I started my warm up.
I thought it might just be my sensory issues messing with me along with the slippery ice so when I felt my skates weren't laced tightly I decided to ignore it. The whole thing was a recipe for disaster.
A song started playing that I liked and I was skating, I did a double (a jump where you rotate twice fully in the air) and the mix of my not fully tightened skates, slippery ice, and high emotions, I fell. I landed wrong, so wrong that I fell flat onto the ice, hitting my head and getting a concussion and blacked out. Which in theory might not seem too bad, but I was drifting in and out of consciousness apparently, and I just remember feeling so dizzy, seeing blood on the ice while being moved, vomiting, not being able to remember things for a while, the bruises after, all of it.
Every time since that I've tried to go on the ice anywhere, I freeze up, I feel sick, I shake, and for the most of the first few times I had to run off to the bathroom to throw up.
But despite it all, I want to skate. So bad. I want to be art again. I want to feel the cold rushing through me as I skate. I want to feel it all again.
I learned to do ballet now and I'm trying to go back to gymnastics but I'll always be terrified of skating again. And in the back of my mind with every rehearsal, every class, every performance, I wonder if it'll be the one that I get another injury that'll make it my last.
Comments
Displaying 2 of 2 comments ( View all | Add Comment )
MAD SCIENCE
I think what you are experiencing is an aquired phobia. You can fix it by going to an ice rink and planning to not skate, just watch. If that's too much, just get NEAR an ice rink, and the moment you start feeling a little uncomfy just stay there unless the negative feelings get too intense. You may have to do it for days or weeks. Some people with ultra severe crippling phobias need months. But everyone can overcome what you are going through and often do when people like me tell them this strategy.
Anyways just slowly break it down into microsteps and get closer and closer to actually skating without skating until you are ready to put one foot and front of the other and feel your passion again.
thank you, yeah, I will have to try to do it at some point when I get settled in more to the country more and I'll have to see if my old skates still will fit me properly. It's always a mess to try and go back to something like this when it was an event so vivid and traumatizing in a way, but thank you 🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️
by Catalina; ; Report
You're welcome, by the way, why do you move between countries so often?
by MAD SCIENCE; ; Report
It's a weird story, but my father was very controlling and abusive to my mother so me and my brother (until he moved on his own) and my mother were always moving to get away from him in a way, at a point my mother had committed and so we had to live with our father because of being related and all but we ended up going into the system for a little while until he got emancipated and then ended up living on his own while I went to live with an aunt of mine. My brother is an adult now but we always keep moving around because of the paranoia that he's always just too close some how in a way.
Long story short it's always trying to get away out of paranoia that our father is going to do something.
by Catalina; ; Report
Wow sorry to hear that, idk how it works in your country, but you may be able to start a "real estate business" anonymously or in a lawyers name. You use the company to buy your own house. That way he can't find your address by looking up your name if he finds your name which I hope you've changed at least then lol
Also order packages to your house under a fake name, and give every contractor/tradesman a slightly fake different name. That way if you get called up you also know which company sold your data!
At least in America they sell your name phone and address online right after you give it to them....
Also you should try to keep tabs on him, keep your enemies closer right? If you see him making live posts several countries away you know you are probably good to go. Just make sure to not give up your identity or information that would lead him to believe it's you while doing so of course.
by MAD SCIENCE; ; Report
hmmm, that's all pretty interesting! I didn't know about most of that-- but yes, things have been changed and are constantly being changed to keep him off track 🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️
Also, ew, selling information online? Might end up staying out of the USA completely now, that's checked off the list now for 'places to NOT go' XAXAXA
yeah, keeping track of him is always weird, once he finds out things he keeps it to himself but then eventually can't stop himself from telling everyone and bragging
by Catalina; ; Report
Joel
Nunca he sentido un deporte de la forma en que tú sientes el patinaje sobre hielo, y realmente se nota que lo amaste, y que aún lo amas, profundamente. A pesar de todo ese miedo que sientes al intentar volver al hielo, de verdad espero que puedas superarlo. No será fácil, pero el patinaje es parte de ti. Así que poco a poco, te deseo lo mejor. No te rindas con lo que amas!!
Muchas gracias, de verdad. Espero poder patinar de nuevo algún día; supongo que solo es cuestión de tiempo y de intentar más duro para superar el miedo que siento. El deporte siempre es un infierno de alguna manera, especialmente cuando es algo que te hace sentir tan completo. También espero poder volver a ello algún día. <3
by Catalina; ; Report