hope

i talked to him today surprisingly

i had a glimmer of hope that maybe i could change

but then he said he had someone else

and the way i felt proved that i didnt deserve to live anymore

my plan still stands

everything is going to plan

why do i want to continue

i dont want to die

im scared

i feel like i need to

but i want to stop feeling like this

i want to stop existing

i want this to stop

i cant deal with this anymore

i cant sleep

i cant eat

i cant live

i dream about you

and it sickens me

i want 

i want to go back

i want you 

and that cant happen

i wanted you to be happy with me

you werent happy with me though

youre right

im awful

i want this to stop

i want this to stop

it feels like my heart is being ripped out

crushed

something like that

i want

i want you

i miss you

i miss you more than anything

i hate you

i hate what youve done to me

youre the first person ive missed in a while

with everyone else it was easy to let go

to stop caring

but with you its different

i promise i tried to change

to be better for you

im sorry

im so sorry

i want to die

i want to die so bad 

i want 

i want you to love me

i want to be comforted like you did

i want to be talked to like you talked to me

i chose hugo because he looks like you

hes practically like you

but he doesnt love me

you do

you did

i cant change

i really cant

ill always be the same

thats why i should die

i want my birthday to be held

and then i want to go

31 july

thats the date i always plan on

and wait till maybe something changes 

usually things change

but this time i dont think it will

this time i think its truly lights out

and maybe

maybe thats okay

if you just told me what to change

if you were honest

i wouldve tried harder

i swear

it doesnt feel like the end

i want a pack of cigarettes before i go

and 2 joints

ill do them all 

and then ill go

i miss you

consequences

i miss you

i miss you i miss you i miss you

maybe ill do it sooner

this airbnb has a knife

i want to go

i want this all to stop

im sorry

itll probably be later than 31

i dont want to say why since maybe ull read this and ruin my plan by telling amary again

i want

i want it to stop

im sorry

im sorry im sorry im sorry

i just wanted you to be happy

i just wanted you to see who i was

i wanted to be right so bad

and 

now i am right

and im miserable

my plan was to make you hate me

to push you away so i could kill myself without making you want to kill yourself too

so u could find someone else before i did it

but now

the space in between when i planned it and what happened

im miserable

and i regret making the plan

because i wanted to be with you so bad

i hope i have the guts to do it tonight

i really do

goodnight