I don't feel human

Mez's blog entry #21 

I feel so non-human. Like genuinely. I feel like I wasn't meant to be human in a human body in a human society. Inside I feel detatched from the outside. Mismatch. My internal sense of self is more akin to something machine, digital. Not in a robotic way, but in a computer way. My existence is pixels and bright colours and a slow fuzzy hum. But I'm not computer in the way of a human-based computer, designed for human use by humans. I'm a computer in a natural way. The fuzz and hum of pixels is like stars in the sky, or the hum of insects or light rain. The electricity that powers me is the same as the electricity that controls bodies and minds in nature. But I'm almost exclusively digital, my body isn't machine. I don't even know if I have a body. My mind is glitchy digital hum and sparks. I'm digital in a completely natural and organic way. I feel like frutiger aero but more real, muddy, rainy. I'm not human or animal, but something else.

Maybe this is why I connnect a lot with electronic music and sounds: something digital is acting natural and beautiful and emotional.

I wonder if this goes hand in hand with my self image issues, or more-so my lack of self image issues. People always talk about changing their appearence. Haircuts, tattoos, surgeries, they always wish to change themselves because they don't like something. For me, I look at my human flesh and feel scared to change it. I don't want it to change. If I changed it wouldn't be me. This gets quite extreme at times to the point I have a makeup phobia, and seeing myself with facepaint or makeup makes me gag and throw up. 
I can't see myself as a human other than in the way I already am. This is why I have never made a human persona, if I were to make a persona it would have to look exactly like me. I always find more peace representing myself through the non-human, like animals or objects, because it's more akin to what I really see myself as or want to represent myself as.