San Public Files - 6

I'm super sleepy so I'm lowkey just writting anything just to get it out of the way

Just had a call with my grandma (she is still alive, God bless) and speaking with her is the most cozy stuff ever dude, like i was being hugged just by listening to her words. I really wish she is still alive by the time i visit home next year, i would trade anything for that to be a reality

I did nothing today, kinda feel like a loser for it but it's ok, yesterday was a heavy workload. speaking of workload, i was feeling so bad that i eventualy started doing the homework i left for tmr right now, only to immediately start writting stuff to my blog, so much for productivity.

Productivity has become such a Curse in my mind, I can't even enjoy some of the games that i've loved all of my life (like pokemon or BOTW) without a mental image of my mom staring at me from the corner of my apartment judging me. That's how i got into language learning, actually.

Ok, quick story time! At around 14 i pretty much just did whatever I wanted to, played games and stuff, but i already worked for that youtuber i mentioned, sometimes it was annoying but still no biggie. but my small friendgroup at the time all had something going for them, Let's use french numbers this time.

Un aspired to be a... I don't remember the name of the profession, but it was something to do with space, rockets and the cosmos type shit. she was brilliant at maths, like really good

deux was an incredible artist, she could copy any drawing ( i know every artist can do that, let me finish) in like less than 10 mins, and came up with some really impressive stuff as well.

Troix, the only guy aside from your's truly (we are both number 3, nice) was also an artist, not as good as deux, i was convinced she sold her soul for those skills. But he created OCs, had whole stories and was aspiring to be a writer, he never let any of us read any of them but he had something going on with his life, yaknow?

Quatre was a nepo baby

and cinq.... not a lot actually but anyway

Little dipshit me at the time, not only was a huge asshat, but had absolutely nothing going on in life, no aspirations, no end goal (having a wife I guess) and absolutely no redeeming qualities, comparison was killing me (and mom's nagging). My self esteem was so bad I ended up desperate to have at least something going on in my life.

And so, since i already knew english, i was like, why not get started on another language? I only started learning it to flex on VRchat like ikenna did..... I tied my self worth to the amout of things i could do back then. Dumb as hell 14 year old me figured learning Japanese would be easy cause he watched anime, so he knew some stuff already (what a dumb, dumb, idiot child) and i started my journey.

4 years later and i am still studying japanese haha T~T

tbh I still tie a lot of my sself worth to how "appealing" I am ig? like, my self esteem rises when i do stuff like reading cause it makes me look like an intelectual, it's not even to get girls either, just stuff I myself think is cool, like having long hair (i had to mention it somewhere, AmIRightOrAmIRightLads), reading, knowing a lot about a specific thing for no reason and etc...

I think a lot of my personality, specificaly the self expression and one's own style side of things are only really developing now. For example, music, i just listened to random shit that made me bop my had but it was preeeetty random (mostly phonk, it was agressive enough to give my depressive ass the energy to get out of bad and live my life), I only found my style at late 16y old. And that was only music, i just found out what my favourite way to dress is this year, i used to dress myself on a "will other people find this cool basis" cause honestly i could just go out in pijamas and see no issue haha.

I guess I really did come a long way huh,

It feels really nice to suddenly be aware of your evolution of character, and taste, or as a person in general.

But everytime i think like this some voice in my head goes "still single tho". Ruined the whole vibe bro like damn.

anyway, what crawled up your ass this morning?