distance

no matter where you are, you will have to manage with what is there. that is how it is for everyone until they can move. what happens when you realize everything you have lived around and in wouldnt change if you were there or not? what happens when you realize that it would change for the better?

life is nice, as someone who is in highschool still obviously living with parents, most things are handled for me. as sweet as that is, i dont feel right being here. my mom is just a mom, not a friend, not someone i could talk to, not someone i can even imagine positively. to her, im just another kid that she loves but doesnt like. "if i was your age, id never be your friend."

when we first moved to this country, i was never good with the local kids or my classmates. there was the assumption that because i lived in america that i was not to be spoken to, even though we are all the same ethnicity and nationality. it was hard, but i survived in my own way... (we dont talk about it). my mom believed that it was strictly my fault for ignoring the people who tried befriending me. well, a week ago i hung out with one of my old classmates who told me all of their thoughts and plans. im not saying im a victim to bullying since i dealt with it, but when my mom tells everyone who asks about how it was coming here, she immediately speaks for me as if i was the problem all along. i dont understand her problem with me. then she wonders why i refuse to talk to her.

my friends are amazing, but i cant imagine being close to them after highschool. what is the point of any of this if it wont mean anything in the end? i cant even see myself being close to my siblings, who i definitely love and care about, but they are simply living completely different lives than i am. yes, they are younger, but what happens when i leave? i dont want to come back "home" for holidays, i dont want to have to stay with them following my parents orders as if im another inconvenience.

my dad is perfect, other than for his choice in a wife. i love him so much but if seeing him means seeing my mom, im not sure im willing to do it. honestly, i can barely tell if she loves him the same anymore after accusing him of not being a good father or husband. it takes two for a happy relationship...

everyone is distant.

i may be distancing myself.

its okay, im happy so for now ill continue as it is until the day isnt.