The weight of it all

i must be honest its been a while since I've been on here once again but this place feels like a small comfort something only so few of my friends are ever on and somehow that makes it safer for me to write

so much has happened and im a bit different now like half a year ago i almost lost a good friend of mine lets call them autumn our argument still echoes in the spaces between us at least I think so I was a bad friend...even though we ended up on a good note and became friends again

She forgave me and said it was her ex's fault and barely mine but idk what to believe

But then everything got messy with my breakup

i broke up with my boyfriend of three years lets call him thorn and i know breaking up with someone because of mental health sounds like such a fake excuse but its the truest thing I've ever said because i was depressed for most of my life and being in a relationship that once felt like healing started feeling like drowning and i couldn't breathe anymore

I felt like those scars I had only got deeper

but thorn keeps reaching out keeps trying to fix things keeps asking if we can still be close and autumn sees how this hurts him how my presence keeps opening his wounds and she thinks i should just disappear from his life not completely at least I think but to distance myself

but how do you just erase three years like they never mattered

How do I distance without worry

I worry about her and him

now im talking to someone new lets call them viel and i love spending time with him i really do but there's this weight in my chest because everything was supposed to be different i was originally gonna move in with thorn and autumn but now i told viel id be his partner when we move instead and we're caught in this strange commitment where neither of us wants the other with someone else but im not sure im ready to promise forever again am i ready to tell people oh im gonna marry this man when part of me is still terrified of being trapped again and the worst part is I've told thorn about the change in plans and he says he's okay with me not moving in but i haven't told autumn yet and that worry eats at me because what if she thinks i abandoned our friendship for another boy what if she never forgives me for changing everything

the hardest part is autumn and how we havent talked in weeks maybe a month and im too afraid to open our messages because what if she thinks all my problems are just dumb boy drama when really my mental health is unraveling and i dont know how to hold all these pieces of myself together anymore

the weight of it all sits heavy on my chest like im drowning in my own thoughts and somehow i keep coming back to this place because typing it all out makes the noise in my head a little quieter even if just for a moment and maybe someone out there will read this and understand what its like to be afraid of love and loneliness all at once

(There's more to this story but I will only share the surface level onto a post please give opinions and advice if you can) 

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