I feel like such a failure

START

     I don't even know how do I classify this post as, because in my opinion it fits a lot of tags at the same time... Anyway, you guys probably never heard of me yet, so I'm presenting myself as Jade. I just got into Spacehey a few months ago and finally I'm getting the courage to start posting stuff here :3

     I'm writing this all out of scratch and since I also fear I am going to easily desviate the inital topic I was talking about. So, to summarize a lot of stuff about me, my life as a teenager is crap (which you guys didn't even had to guess because that's the norm for us nowadays) but this feeling doesn't feel like something I'm gonna grow out of...

PARAGRAPH #2 (ran out of ideas bc yes)

     This feeling has been inside of me since I knew I existed, somehow. I do not feel like I'm normal enough to be worthy of being called a person... Maybe because I'm sensitive as fuck because if a lot of you went through the same stuff than me, y'all would still be shining as the sun and always smiling because I'm cringe and deserve tog et bullied out of it -_- You don't gotta tell me twice even though I avoid the mirror everytime I pass near my bathroom

     Now, I'm trying to avoid  a little to make this a little more personal because you guys know Spacehey doesn't tolerate suicidal content (Like, seriously, not even to a tiny bit... Once I saw the blog entry of a girl venting abt how guilty she feels after she read her friend's suicide letter and a few minutes while I was reading it, moderation took it down) but uhm, lemme try listing most reasons I feel this sensation being unable to fix ig

FIRST OF ALL,

     School; Since I was little I always got good grades but after 5th grade I started struggling so much to get out of failed scores that it genuinely made me feel that I'm sinking even more... This not really affected me until 6th to 7th grade because it was only  a single subject but, holy fuck, after all of this I feel like I passed only through good luck...

     I was enrolled in a class of 50 STUDENTS. (And the school administration didn't even do a single shit about it because they're  a private instituition but smh this allows them to make our studying conditions worse because the class we got mixed with had a plenty of bad students, like, I mean, REALLY HARD GOING PEOPLE with tons of bullies too), but I still have a lot of smart classmates and I am sitted near them.

     I know that there is this """"theory"""" that intelligent people only allow people like them around n stuff (and vice-versa; dump people only like dumb ppl nearby) but tbh, I only feel like they tolerate me... It's not like they've been mean to me but I feel so embarrassed being around them... Like, I really admire them a lot but I often mess up infront of them that I feel like that I'm an inconvenience. I really have a lot of consideration towards them and wish I could also invite them to my birthday party (if I had one) but I never feel close enough to do this..

OTHER THINGS

     I feel like I'm in a  vicious cycle of self sabotage. I wasn't born pretty, but that's what a girl needs to get her value. So I do not take care of myself because I'm subhuman, I do not serve competently to my job. So then I get uglier, becuase i'm all messy and offputting, so, to fix that I take even less care of myself and that goes on and on

     I feel so distant to other people because even in the smallest things I'm different than them and that's a disavantage -- If I were shorter or more delicate overall, I might be able to pass a little more as a female. (Once, a person that was in a discord call with me had to question me twice what my actual gender was because my voice sounded 'too androgenous' because I didn't talk like a child. Close observation: I was talking to a normal dude, not a loner, much less a creep. That was a guy with a LIFE) 

     I simply jsut see myself as a pathetic being because most people that I know and live with are so... idk, normal (????? i really dk) because I everything ive passed throught really is my fault...

     I'm alone on this, I know. Nobody I've ever met was like this, but I don't want to entirely put myself to blame because all my enemie would've won but I am truly trapped inside this reality, at least, for now. That's chronic, I don't think endless therapy sessions would solve that yk :/

     AND, if I were to explain a little more stuff in my head to you I'd have to unravel a lot of complex things that I simply can't explain so casually tho... So imma spare you guys from a 2000 page useless essay

    When you get to know what happened to me at the ent of my story, please, laugh at me, seriously

    Jigoku Tayuu wasn't that wrong abt herself after all, but at leas tthe got to enlightement, unlike me