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I wanted to write. I wanted to draw, to feel productive, to go on a walk. I wanted to talk to people, pay attention to their troubles and help mend them where possible, or if anything, offer a shoulder.
I wanted to run, exercise, feel myself in my body that I sometimes wonder is it there or am I just dreaming? Today, it was all foggy.
I wanted to look at other websites, to read the book i promised to finish this year, to search for tutors to learn dutch after a year of living in the Netherlands.
I wanted to eat a good meal, make a good meal. I wanted to be there when my boyfriend came home huffing and puffing about work.
I wanted to ask my brother for more pictures of my cats who are sweating away in Portugal. I wanted solace in their cuteness. I wanted comradery and companionship among my fellowship. Another proof of the existence of a village surrounding me.
I wanted to end the first chapter and feel as if I am gearing towards something. I wanted to watch that show I promised to finish months ago to a friend. I wanted to dye and wash my hair. I wanted to feel pretty in my own skin.
Instead, I spent almost the entire day, from 2pm to 1am, searching for resources and coding help for my spacehey profile and blog layouts. Only for half of those long searches to not matter at all in the end.
You may call it procrastination, I call it a curse. Even the pills cannot help my deep obsessions for small perfect victories.
I am happy with it, and I hope you like it too. Rather plain, but for now, it's ok.
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I've got adhd too. I'm not on any medication. I did the same thing, stayed up multiple nights for hours and hours, fixating on spacehey, coding, drawing, writing essays, sometimes just playing games.
I don't feel shameful about it. It's just me. The more you simply do your stuff, not thinking about it, the easier it is to enjoy it. As for the doing part, something that helps me is having lists where I write down things I need to do/want to do, and make sure I at least do one thing on that list that day. Could be as simple as drinking juice. Another day I might feel especially motivated and check off multiple tasks, going out different places.
Oh, and. If you don't feel like doing anything.. write down taking a break. It's something you want and need too.
Another recommendation is just talking to cared ones randomly. It helps you zone out. Feels productive too.
Ty for sharing. I see myself in a lot of what you shared.
The pills help a lot, mostly with focusing. But when the shiny new thing appears the big boost you get from it just goes directly towards that, I guess in a more organized way (I take concerta btw).
What's hard to deal with about it is the mushy, society expectation-y guilt of always having to be doing something with an end goal, because during and afterward I just can't help feel like I could've been using all that time towards something more productive. I think its good to acknowledge the disability part of it, I just shouldn't forget to affirm myself that despite all of that, I am a good friend and i do try my best and have done incredible progress in many areas.
The title states a warning, but it's more of a warning to myself, if that makes sense.
by Eggeye; ; Report
Thanks and of course, I'm just rambling myself hah.
I'm glad to hear the pills help you feel more like yourself.
As for the societal mushy hydraulic pressure, it's all about being productive, no? But it's about being productive towards yourself. Life is about making sure you're comfortable with yourself, not that everyone else is comfortable with you. Because people that care about you always will be.
So don't feel shameful, it sounds terribly wrong to be guilty about existing.
by 889; ; Report
Also.. while it is important to affirm it as a disability, stupidity could also be considered one. Which is pretty normalised hum. I wouldn't overthink a couple mistakes here and there lol. Human stuff.
by 889; ; Report
✶Rib𓆩𓁺𓆪Eye Black Dragon✶
Stopping by to see these gorgeous pixel art backgrounds and cool layouts
I wish I'm as optimistic as the first comment. Although my spacehey profile is basic af because I just want to load my page faster, or could be I'm lazy.
This blog really reflected my first build on neocities, where I'm obsessing over perfecting my webpage -- not really chasing any style or trend, and I'm still finding the style that fits me. I get distracted easily, I have too many WANTS but no time to act upon those laundry lists.
I do keep a list of goals to do, and as a reminder but even then it's not enough. I can't even get started on reading the books I wanted, start on a story that's been hibernating inside of my noggin like those seamonkey eggs for centuries.
I don't know how much since you last joined spacehey, but I wanna say, weeeeelllcome to spacehey! :)
I'm gonna cry ;-; thank you so much for this comment, it was so nice to wake up to!
It feels reassuring to know there's people who shares my troubles. When It comes to ADHD it's hard to know when laziness ends and disability starts. I was late diagnosed so my entire childhood and teenage years I was labeled as lazy. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time just to give that egg a big hug, and that she's enough.
I struggle as well with the distraction problem you mentioned. There's so many things I want to do it's hard to give it a level of importance, because even if making a spacehey layout shouldn't be on top of writing a book, it took all my focus and attention yesterday, because in the end I do enjoy it.
I make lists and forget about them. But I have to remember that for me goals without stakes can be hard to finish (and I mean like how in school if I didn't study I'd fail so I studied a lot at home because I couldn't pay attention in class). Reading can be a hard hobby to get into (or in my case back into) because one day u forget to read, then it turns into two, and three... I feel like the only way I'll be able to get it sorted is when I finish my website (oh lord) and uninstall most of the distractions that I know are no good for me, like social media and the like.
If I have nothing to do, I might as well read, right?
Creative block and 'being overwhelmed by the things you want to do that you end up not doing anything you just think about doing them' is something that, unfortunately, only the pills have been able to help me. I don't think I'd be able to finish this whole layout in a day (maybe that'd be healthier) but it also helps my brain clear the fog that is often the cause for me not being able to create, be it in writing, drawing, whatever.
I hope you find a way to tackle it that is healthy for you and I wish you many books read many stories written and for u to see the beauty in ur profile bc it is coolio as frick!!
Sorry for big text. Thank you for the welcome, have a great day!
by Eggeye; ; Report