ab my ex

okk so i posted a blog like 8 months ago ab my old relationship? well tbh, it was shitty lmfao

the difference between me and my ex was sort of like a chronically online person (me), and a not very chronically online person??? idk how to explain it, i also did come out as genderfluid while in the relationship, how did he take it? HORRIBLYY!!!

so, longish story on how he found out, but he said he was okay with it at first, so i thought it was okay.

later on though he'd start asking questions that made me slightly uncomfortable (and it was painfully obvious), he'd ask what should he refer to me as (in gender), he'd ask if he was pansexual if i was genderfluid, to which i said its not up to me, and he said "well i dated you with the intention of you being a girl." and yes thats true, but i recently only found out about my identity during the relationship. it made me super uncomfortable, and he'd bring it up a little too much. before i was genderfluid i was bigender, in which his friends seen so i immediately closeted myself.

see, i can see that he didn't mean harm (id hope?) but one thing you shouldn't say to a gender dysphoric person is definitely something about their sex, for example, im a female. im okay with it but i identify as genderfluid because i dont JUST feel like a female. im extremely gender dysphoric, and ive reposted many videos about it, about wanting to be a boy as well as a girl. he sees this, as he looks at my reposts. i understand where he comes from, yet it still had a suuuper harmful affect on me mentally. i thought i wasnt good enough for him, i thought i was weird for it, ykwim? so i just..closeted myself further.

i dont mind if my partner wants to know a lot about me or EVERYTHING, but i kind of hated how he downloaded every social media app i had and seen my deepest thoughts, along with conversations i had with friends, it was weird, it was uncomfortable.

the night of our one year anniversary (may 19th), he also started talking about how he had friends that were girls who were flirting with him. i asked if we knew them irl or if i knew them, he said no. he said he didnt know how to respond. im obviously not going to start a petty argument over a man because shes flirting, i hated how he brought it up on a special day. i just told him say whatever comes to mind.

i want my partner to react how THEY would, not how i would. i want to see their true intentions, not what i want them to be. im just forcing them into something they aren't. if im going to date someone, i want to know their true feelings and what they want with me, otherwise im dating someone i want them to be, not someone i want. the same thing goes both ways, love me as i am or dont.

back to the story, another thing that "icked" me is how he commented on my style. i dressed more emo than usual, i didnt wear trendy clothes (baggy everything) but he seemed to dislike that. he said i no longer wore my "cool clothes" (if you love me why does that matter??) and i just wore the same thing everyday (knee high converse, band t-shirts, the usual). it made me uncomfortable so i switched my style. i wasnt happy. he also commented on my music taste (i like a lot of loud music, like metal, grindcore, etc.) and said it was just noise to him, and i obviously commented on his (tyler the creator, frank ocean, literally popular tiktok artists. no hate! i love them, he just listened to tiktok music..) to which he got mad?? sorry i dont like listening to somber music everyday.

he also NEVER. defended me. i know im an independent person and i can do it myself, but his friends would comment rude things about me to which he just...stayed silent. me and his friends would playfight but theyd go too far sometimes, he didnt do anything, one time his friends pulled my hair, he didnt fo anything, his friends commented on my thighs and it made me uncomfortable, he said "what am i supposed to do about that" (dick response!!! fuck you!!!)

anyways, there's probably more reasons, i js cant think of them rn. im talking to a new guy who's soo much better than that asshole, and someone who doesnt comment on my music taste or style or shit like that. thanks!