San Public Files - 1

Hello everyone, sorry in advance for spelling,

My name is [[HYPERLINK BLOCKED]] but you can call me San. For the sake of my mental health, i decided to share a little bit of my experience as an 18 year old living alone literally the other side of the planet.

I was never a "sharing feelings" person, i mean, i was at some point, but life happens am i right lads? the only reason I am writing this is because I am 100% sure that nobody i know in real life even know what spacehey is, we are in very different corners of the internet after all. They might find out who i am if i use my "internet" name they know me as, so let's go with a new one i made right now, i was born on the third.. and I'm in japan... so I'm San!

"why not write on a regular diary?" that is a very good question, annoying voice inside my head, my answer is that to be loved is to be seen, The loneliness really gets to you after a while and it did get to me. Knowing that somewhere there is someone aware of my situation makes me feel comforted, but i also think that, out there, there are some very lonely people that would feel understood by reading this blog.

I also can't sleep :D

I've been living here in japan for 3 months and 4 days now, and it's really cool. It's not the same as those edit's with "you weren't here i really missed you" in the background but still cool. I'm here studying Japanese, after im done I plan on going to college and study IT.

I've been alive thanks to my parent's financial aid, i get about 80k yen per month from them, it's enough for me to live confortably since i don't need to pay rent or class fees yet ( we payed a year upfront, so i'll need to get a j*b next year).

Some positives is that my mom is not here, i mean, i miss her and stuff, but when we live together, we fight, like everyday. I lived abroad for 6 months before, and it was like we never had a fight in our life, but as soon as i was back, it was hell. She isn't here, so i can be at peace with myself (she is one of the strict, stuff only matters if it's productive type). Also i always wanted to start cooking, and now i will starve if i DON'T cook lmao, it's nice, but i end up making the same 3 meals on repeat, It's har when I only have one place to heat up the pan, an airfryer and a microwave, at least i got some cheap rice cooker.

I really want to make the strogonoff from back home, but they don't have any white cream in the places i buy groceries so i guess it's gonna be a while until then.

Oh yeah, i forgot to mention, without my mom here i can finally grow out my hair! i was growing it out but she convinced me that Japanese people thought men with long hair were either Hikikomoris, creeps or homeless people. so she got me to cut it off, news flash, NO THEY DON'T. I was at about 8-9 months of growth back then, my hair in the front could touch my chin if i stretched it and the hair in the back was halfway through my neck, 2 more months and i would reach my goal... Damn.

i have about 3-4 months of growth right now, my last haircut didn't remove a lot of hair so i got some good "progress" even before i started growing it out.

Lastly is the fact that i live in fucking Japan, that's so awesome

Negatives include crippling loneliness, anxiety, jealousy of friends back home moving on with their life and other loneliness induced madness... nothing ya boy can't just deal with, it's fine

I got some coping mechanisms that I use, some healthy, some not

one of them is running! i love running at night, it makes it easy to get all cozy and sleep after, since you're like tired and all, can't sleep right now tho, idk why, probably the blue light assaulting my eyes as i write this. back to running, the wind on my face and nujabes music (may i recommend his album "metaphorical music") blasting on my ears makes me grateful for everything that is going on in life.

Brazil is tough, especially Rio de Janeiro (thats where im from!!). the violence is common and we learn to leave in fear, of course most Rio-jins aren't aware of that since they haven't been anywhere else, so that's just normal to them. but after i went to Canada to finish up my second to last year of highschool (the 6 months i mentioned earlier) i saw what a peaceful nation was like... after that I could never go back.

I finished highschool and quickly though about my next steps to move abroad again, LONG TERM this time. Canada is very expesive for those who have not gone to college/uni yet so it was a hard option... BUT, i was studying japanese as a hobby... for 4 years.... so why not japan? now im here! God, does the peace make a diference, it's 00:32 right now but i could walk in my jammies right outside and NOTHING would happend, truly a wonderfull place. I has it's problems sure, but i get there when i get there.

The main concern is how people here (not japanese, but other brazillians that came with me) Feel dangerous... I don't think they're criminals or anything, but they hide stuff from you, they think mean things but don't say it, they build relationships strategically to get good baitos and stuff, everyone feels fake, and navegating around these people is tiring, Really.

It doesn't help that im the youngest by a large margin, the next on the list is 21, and after him, 24.

some react in a "let's help him, he's a kid" way, and some in a "He's just a kid, he won't do anything" kind of way, i would explain it but it makes me a little upset to talk about it, maybe in a future entry.

That's why i feel so lonely, yaknow. Also, my friends (i had like 3 close ones) are all moving on... without me. It makes sense, I'm not immature, it's boud to happen. But when i compare it to just 6 months earlier it really hurts...

I came back to space hey to hopefully make connections and friends, to cope with this.

I SWEAR IM NOT AS GLOOMY AS THE BLOG IMPLIES IT'S JUST THAT I DON'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT, THE SAD STUFF HAS TO GO SOMEWHERE. 

I'm actually really grateful and have really positive experiences, like when i succesfully use my japanese without stuttering or forgeting words when i need to use them, or when i achieve my daily goals....

well, after 50 minutes of blogging the sleepyheadness is finally here,

I plan on updating this soon, if someone read this far i love you, leave any questions you may have and i will adress them later.

cya.