envy

i hate how im so envious. i mean, idk if what im feeling is envy at all, but i know full well i should be contented with what i have and what the Lord gives me.

and i am so mad at myself for not appreciating anything. i do appreciate it, but when someone else is better than me, it all just withers away.

today, the teacher recited a poem made by someone in the other class. the poem was for a project and it was really good. i also write poems and it was so good. but i just felt sad and disappointed at myself for not being good enough, as good as her.

with all honesty, i want to be good at something I can only be good at. i will admit that from my sinful side. but the Spirit tells me that it doesn't matter. none of it does because what i am good at doesn't define me, but what defines me is who i come from. 

writing poems is something i really want to do. i really want to be good at. and seeing someone already good just destroys me IT DESTROYS ME. 

JUST WHY CANT I BE GRATEFUL FOR WHAT I HAVE AND WHAT I DO? WHY CANT I BE CONTENT? BECAUSE I SET UP HIGH EXPECTATIONS FOR MYSELF WHICH MAKES ME SOOO MUCH MORE DISAPPOINTED. AND THE FACT I KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION, I KNOW THAT I AM HUMAN, YET I'M STILL SO ANGRY AND PISSED. NOT AT THE GIRL, NOT AT THE LORD, BUT MYSELF BECAUSE I AM SO UNGRATEFUL. IM AN UNGRATEFUL CHILD.

I already get high grades I'm satisfied with my art THE LORD ALREADY DIED FOR ME, WHAT ELSE CAN I ASK FOR?

It's killing me. It's provoking me to sin and I really don't want to. 

I'm so needy. So hungry. So thirty for validation from myself. 

I even thought that someone is better at writing poems than me the Lord already loves them more than me. I really am thinking some place else . I know the answer yet I don't listen. I just need time to be myself. To feel these feelings that a normal human being would have.

I heard someone say that there's nothing we could do to earn the love of the Lord, for it's the Lord that loves.

And oh how I want to remember that my whole life. I just need to feel.