Im so done

I’ve been having panic attacks over the dumbest shit ever. I feel like I need to be famous, I have to be. I can’t just go through all of this suffering for it to not be worth it, I know it makes my art and entire internet presence invalid, but I feel like I need validation. My parents seemed to only care about raising their alcohol intake rather than me, leaving me to the internet as a kid. They loved me and all that shit but I was alone most of the time. I crave the attention I was never given as a kid and I feel bad about it. 

My TikTok being restricted and how badly I do on either apps is making it terrible. I wish this anxiety would just stop and that I could live like any other normal person, but I cant stop it. Any inconvenience and I’m praying for an imaginary audience to just watch my suffering. 

I want to start out animating to grow my presence but I’m low on ideas. I feel like I’m only keeping TikTok to stay up to date with things and because it’s popular. 

I can’t keep hiding behind my coping mechanisms forever and I’m being left alone all the time. If I could get some sort of advice that would be fine. I fucking hate anxiety but to get meds I need a physical, I don’t want an old woman to look at my asshole, so I just try to hide it with sleep or indulging in some kind of media. I fucking hate my life, even if it’s considered ‘lucky’. FUUUUUCCKKJ MY LIFEEEEE UGHHHHHHH.

Ai’s gonna do my job for me anyways, so I give up. I love you guys and especially my girlfriend. Goodbye.