has been a very long time

or maybe not that long since its been 5 months, its arguably not a very long time at all. 

i think I have successfully gotten my life together somewhat, but I still feel nothing at this and honestly if I could just care slightly less about societal expectations, i'd probably just stop doing school all to gether and never try to graduate because I'm truly not personally invested in it at all. i just don't want to be viewed as a complete loser at least. i realized recently that honestly I don't think I've ever truly enjoyed anything I've done, or just not fully or to any extreme. i remember feeling excited or happy at certain things, I definitely can find things cute, but I don't really think I've ever had goals or aspirations or big wants, I just want to exist and do nothing. 

i think I remembered feeling excited at a movie in 2023 for sure but I kind of just realized that while I was somewhat excited, I exaggerated it a lot in order to show other people how I liked it or for attention to see what they'd respond with I guess. i don't think I'm totally emotionless or anything but its just weird how everything feels so dull for me and always has. i have always lied or tried to manipulate how I'm viewed by people to get what I want or so they can go away from me more or for some other reason. I've always been at least kind of aware of how my words come off and why and would use this to my advantage even when I was kinda young. i don't think I'm some crazy manipulator, but its just weird that it seems like nothing Ive said or done has any real meaning or that I'm essentially just lying all of the time for the sake of creating some kind of image. i don't feel like I have any kind of real personality and I can just change how I talk and act whenever if I want to be perceived differently. i assume this is not that irregular and people change how they behave depending on who they're around plenty, but I just feel like I've never wanted or liked anything in particular, or felt any kind of way about anything personally. i just pretend to do these things for other people. so I just feel like a husk more than anything.