so...

disclaimer: so this is gonna be a rant on different things just going on right now lol. there is mentions of sa and stuff related to that like right off the bat, bc why not. so uh yeah.. 

so i had the realization earlier while making some breakfast for my siblingsd and me about some things yhat i did in the past for whatever reason. and tbh tiktok also helped me with some of the other figuring out of things, but the main one i was actully able to find out on my own is of the reason why i didnt like sleeping in my own room. when i was younger, in elementary, i honestly refused to sleep in my own room and would go ans sleep in my brothers room instead. i would use the excuse of wanting easier access to wake him up for school in the m0rnign and my parents bought it, i thinlk bc of the fact i was the eldest and was wanting ot simply be more responsible at the time or idk. but anywyas... the real reason wazs simply bc of the fact i lowkey got touched and stuff by my uncle in my room and in my bed so i didnt like my bed or my room, esp3cially at night which was when it would normlaly happen. and i know the few nights my oarents would go out and he would babysit, after catching on that this would be a normal occurance, i began to hide under my moms bed(bc saturday nights were when my ghost tv show was on and i had a strict sleep schedule i followed andf thqt show went past it, but bc it was the weekend it didnt matter) i know this lead to me not liking taking showers or baths like at all back then, it was really up untill like maybe freshmen year of hs where i finally fixed that. and another recent sort of discovery i had(though it was from a few years ago) is that i tend to be pretty hypersexual but completely hate the thought of me getting intimate with someone like that. like i never realized how much that, and like oplenty of other things really just messed me up. like, i can look back at old pictures of me and really notice how messed up i was, or like old stories my mom would say about me and my siblings and realize how just diferent i was from them bc of the things i went through. 

its funny bc now that im 18 i suddenly think differently and stuff,  liek i do feel older but idk how to explain it. like i suddenly know more about myself. like i can even look back at thing i did months ago and be like "omg i could never do that now wtf was wrogn wth me" like bruh, it not only aint that deep, im probably only gonna get worse in university. and honeslty i dont give a fuck. like there was a time where i really would smoke every night, and its not tht you could tell that i waas smoking (mainly bc i always did look like i was smoking even before i actually did) but you could tell that it was the last thing keeping me tied together. i would go thro8gh my highlights on instagram and see old pictures of me, and l=just by looking at my eyes and stuff. i looked crazy of just like manic 0r someting. idk its lowkey dumb lol. like i know i tried recreating a picture form then with the eyes and i just couldnt, i just looked stoopid trying. 

and another thing, i cant see myself getting into a relationship with like anyone at all. like i almost hate it but i want it, yk? it goes along with the whole not liking, or really wanting to be intimite with someone. even with like making out or soemthing, ik it took me a while before i even like hugged or got relatively close with my friends too. ik there is like a name for that, seveeral even. but i dont feel like looking it up eiother so yeah.