my first blog

Hello. I typed a blog on my phone last night but when I read it over I wasn't happy with it, so I deleted it and then went to sleep. I'm gonna try to just write out what I feel like, then post it, and be chill about it. Because I think that's the whole point of blogging, it can be a bit flawed and make no sense.

Beside me, there's an empty bowl that had oatmeal in it, and my water bottle that needs to be refilled, but I haven't wanted to go downstairs to refill it yet. I actually had a dream last night about that water bottle growing mold or something in the straw and me not realizing and dying from it. I've got a dentist appointment in 4 hours to get my tooth fixed. And I have a little fan pointed on me because it's hot and my mother doesn't want me to have the AC lower than 74      

I've been listening to a lot of My Chemical Romance lately. I used to not like MCR but ever since I met this guy 3 years ago, I've liked it and I've made playlists with MCR, The Used, Silverstein, and Fall Out Boy. I've always liked fOB though actually, but..you know...Petekey. I watched MCR live in Seattle over like 4 different people's instagram livestreams because they kept cutting out. That was the first time I've watched a concert over a livestream, and I hope to watch the rest of the tour over them as well, because I know I won't be able to actually go to them.

I met someone online 3 days ago and found out they live an hour and a half away from me, I hope we can meet and enjoy each other's company irl. But we don't even know enough about each other for me to really feel like I should be thinking that, but I just want to have a friend irl. The last time I had one was 2 years ago, and that only lasted about 3 months before my mother decided she didn't want me around them anymore.

I crave connection, and physical affection so bad, but I have no friends and I don't want the attention of two out of three of my family members that sometimes offer it to me. I like my dad and I usually enjoy his attention, but it's not really enough... and it just feels off sometimes. I don't go to school, I don't work, and I'm not in any programs; the only times I usually leave the house are for grocery shopping, eating somewhere, and when my dad randomly wants to bring us somewhere like the park, a hike, or some little adventure. And now that I type it out, I feel bad for complaining about it, because I enjoy some of them and they sound great but the point is that I'm always either at the house or with my family that I don't even have a great relationship with. I don't have friends to go out or visit with, and I've never actually had that. I hate that I am this way, and I feel so annoying when I talk about it and I usually feel like I'm annoying other people when I talk to them.

Alright, I don't feel like typing or thinkin about it anymore. I've spent an hour or so on this, and I'm done, although I do feel like I have more to say. Thank you for reading, goodbye, and take care.

-A music box collector