Just life and stuff

Content warning for vauge mentions of abuse

So i went on a date recently. Really the only date ive ever been on because ive avoided dating as a whole. I just never had interest or when i did i thought it wasnt a good idea because i dont like a lot of stuff that comes along with dating. I figured i would be a bad boyfriend or i would be dumped so i wanted to save everybody the heart ache. Well in the last year i relised how much i really did want to find a romantic relationship but i never really had any feelings for anybody. I got on a dating app and started talking to this guy. I have never been interested in men but he was so nice and he liked talking to me. In a way i think i just tricked myself into thinking i liked him. Then we went on a date and i know i really didnt like him. Nor have i ever really liked anybody like that.

Looking back on it i remember a time i thought i was Aro/Ace but relised later that i just had a very prominent fear of intamcy because of they way i grew up. I fear im coming to relise i cant connect to people because of the things that happen to me. Even my closest friends i have a hard time feeling connected to and little things make me feel like im not wanted by them at all. Usually those feelings subside as i have grown to talk myself down. I dont think ill ever be able to feel what everybody talks about when they find love in their life. I dont know if im incapable or if ive been through to much in my childhood to accept those feelings from others. Kind of a vent post just felt kind or lost trying to figure this all out.