I feel weird(blog)

I feel weird for wanting to be loved by someone and have a relationship, even tho it's something normal to feel and want. 

Everyone wants to feel loved, wanted, needed, sought after. Everyone wants a companion for life, someone who shows up at all times and who's there for you when you need them the most, and with barely any friends this feeling in me is ever more exagerated. 

During my teen years I've gotten into plenty of relationships and situationships because of loneliness and they ended pretty bad for me, I know it's fucked up, but it was the only way I knew to cope with the feelings of loneliness and I allowed many girls and ppl in the process to use me and to ab*se me js bc I didn't want to lose them, bc loneliness felt scarier than their ab*sive and toxic behaviours.

I've grown a people pleaser dependent on people's appraisal of me. I've grown a young man who literally has no view of himself and who depends all time of people telling him what he is, and many people tell me mean sh1t so I just assume I'm a horrible person, but deep down I'm just hurt. Regardless now that I've grown I started standing my own grounds more, but I still feel the need  to feel loved and wanted, but I no longer want to settle to toxic girls.

I want for once a normal relationship that will last for more than 2 wks or 1 month at best. And I'm not the best person either(I have my flaws as everyone has) but I know that I can love someone with all my heart can love and I would never betray or cheat bc of how hard it is for me to find a partner in the first place, so If I find someone I'll stick with that person no matter what. 

I'm pretty clingy, again for the reasons mentioned, loneliness, abandonment from the earliest days of my life, growing in a household where I felt lonely and ignored and all that. 

For what I can remember everyone abandoned me at some point or another. First person who did it was my own sister. And no I don't hate my sister for that, she was a bit older than me, and now I understand that she couldn't carry the child that I was with her teenage friends that some were even up to a whole decade older than me. 

At that time it hurt a lot bc I was only a child who suddenly became alone but now I've grown a lot and I started to understand the reasons why she did what she did to me.

Loneliness is the main reason why I turned the way I did. I can barely socialize, I'm very unadapted socially and I dk any social cues. My Aspy also does not help me a lot in this situation. Coupled with extreme anxiety it is a very damaging couple.

I hope I'll find someone who can at least respect me and love me the way I am. Even though my hopes are low. I'd settle for anyone who shows me even the minimal respect and love. It's sad that bare minimum is impressive to me. This generation is pretty f#cked idk.

For now spacehey is kinda my safespace. My instagram dms are always dry, ppl barely text me unless I text first so please I implore y'all, as much as you can, talk to me bc I appreciate it. I seriously appreciate it when I feel listened and not ignored. 

I've felt enough ignorance in my life.

Sorry for this long ahh vent but I needed to take that off my heart.