Mental Maelstrom (HEAVY THEMES)

                            *DISCLAIMER HEAVY SELF HARM AND SUICIDE THEMES*

Praying and begging, i re-open my eyes. Please everything be changed. No, sadly i am presented again with my red haired, freckled pale face. A symbol now of the agony i have to endure through life, one i cannot control. Their voices start to creep within my mind again, all wanting their time in the spotlight. A chance to put me down! Drag me into a raging maelstrom till i shatter at the bottom of the Mariana's trench that is my mind.

"You're disgusting Alisha!" Rebekah would say, as she nudges into me in the school halls. My books spilling onto the floor. "Does the carpet match the drapes!"Oliver would tease, as he lifts up my skirt while i am picking up my books. My face red! Everyone laughing at me, my eyes filling with tears, my cheeks hot! Snickering would fill the school halls. Bouncing off the walls and echoing throughout. I finally get to my feet and run off. Everyone staring at me! Pointing , ridiculing me, i feel as if i have done something wrong. Like i am on a trial! Or worse a star attraction of a freak show! "You're just gum on my shoe!" another voice. "You would be better off dead!" another shouts! It feels so real, like i am back at school. I read something about reliving traumatic events, but the thing is. These are not events, this is the story of my life, day after day!

Standing in my bathroom at home, a place where i should feel safe away from the battlefield of the world. A place i can shut it all away! I relive everything. I lean forward, grasping onto the edge of the sink. I look down my hands are starting to turn blue, my muscles in my arms sore. I lock into a deep gaze, a staring contest with myself! "I am worthless!" I shout into the mirror. Knowing that even if someone heard me they wouldn't come. I am alone in this world. I have a Mum but she doesn't even care about me, the one person in this world you should be able to count on. You know, have your back when your whole world is collapsing! "YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" Even your mum hates you. I release my grip from the sink, i can feel all my muscles releasing the death grasp. I run my hands through my hair. Then again, and again. Finally i grasp it within my hand and yank! Nothing! I yank again, this time more ferociously until i get a hand full of my disgusting, dry and split ended hair. Finally i feel something, pain, not enough!
My eyes lock onto my gaze again. Eyes red and watery a patch of hair missing. "That is an improvement."a voice calls from within my head. It hurt, but not enough, i need more, i deserve more pain. I am a burden upon the world. My heart feels heavy, like i am carrying a boulder in my chest. Everything is so strenuous in this life, all an effort, even just breathing and existing. Like i am carrying the boulder up a mountain, with rough terrain, rain a blistering wind! Pushing me back 4 steps for every 1 i take.
I make a fist with my hand, then drive it into the mirror. It succumbs under the force of my fist, a web of cracks appearing around my hand. Then the smell, it invades my nose, metal? I realize i am bleeding, good! "You deserve it bitch!" again the voices, the are unrelenting. Driving me to the fringes of my sanity. BANG! I strike the mirror again. This time the cracks split to every corner and a shard evacuates the battleground. It lays glistening on the bench. NOT ENOUGH! NOT ENOUGH!

"I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE!" screaming at the top of my lungs, my eyes bulging from the sockets, face now red as if i sat in the sun for to long with no sunscreen. My fist covered in blood. This is still not enough for my mum to even come check on me! She is to busy using her favorite lighter to heat her elixir of life on the spoon. The spoon she will use to fill the needle. The needle she then uses to deliver the elixir straight into the bodies high way. "Ahhhh, the sweet spot." she would say. "See Alisha, you're worthless. Your mum doesn't even want to see you!" the voices again, like a stadium full of roaring people, consuming any available real estate i had left within the confines of my cranium. My eyes gaze back down at the gleaming glass. A friend inviting me to end all the pain once and for all. I grab it, grip it tight in my hand. The sting! Not enough! A warmth escaping from my body, the blood dripping out of my hand, leaving a blood streak on the glass then dripping onto the floor. I can hear it you know, the blood. It is dripping slowly onto the tiles under my feet. Drip! Drip! Drip! The sound radiating within my mind. One last look at the mirror, reveals no one looking back at me, empty eyes, dull, lifeless, a window into a barren wasteland. The mixture of the smell of metal, the warmth of the evacuating blood, the light headiness, and all the pain draws me into a trance. My hand has brought the glass up to my throat, it is sinking in, deeper and deeper. Blood down my neck, hands unrecognizable. God, i am actually unrecognizable to myself now. All of a sudden, i am standing back from the mirror watching the events unfold. The hand rips across the neck. I see the reflection! The neck is exposed, the epidermis eradicated. Looks like a picture from an anatomy textbook. The esophagus, wind pipe and there to haunt me again, the bodies main highway! The body drops to the floor, in slow motion. Landing in the pile of blood with a splash, body jerking! Then..........
"Welcome home Alisha" the voices call, softer and calming now.

     *REACH OUT IF YOU ARE FEELING DOWN, NEVER LIVE THROUGH THIS PAIN*