Shotgun

  If I had to pick an item that perfectly represented me, I would pick a shotgun. They match my uncontrolled behavior so perfectly. 

   The first thing about a shotgun is the ammo placed inside the chamber. Like ammo and the chamber, my brain is filled with negativity that gets locked in. Loading the ammo doesn't mean the gun will to off, and it's the same for me.

   The second mechanism of the gun is to pull the trigger. Pulling the trigger is such a small action. It can be done accidentally. Maybe too much pressure in that one moment? Well, pulling the trigger will shoot out the bullets that remained contained in the chamber. Once again, my behavior equates to this. A bit off pressure, and all that negativity shoots out at whoever happens to be in front of me. 

   After the bullets have been fired, that's when it hits the target or whoever crosses it's path. It wounds the target heavily. My words, although not made of physical materials, makes the hearts of whoever hears them bleed. The negativity flies out and hits them in the middle of the heart. As if they were getting hit with a bullet, they cry.

   When the shotgun gets shot off, it isn't gone. It gets loaded over and over again. People keep getting hit and bleeding, but the gun is always kept exactly where it is, loaded.

   I don't mean the things I say. I don't mean to hurt people, but it keeps happening over and over. Saying sorry only goes so far. I know it's not fair. I know I need to change. I know, I know, I KNOW.

   ….. I just can't. It's so hard to control something that's so spontaneous. The rage and sadness fills my mouth and pushes it's way out. I truly don't mean to. I'm sorry… I'm so sorry. I understand how much it hurts, but I don't understand why you stay. The gun keeps going off, but you sit through and take yet another hit to the heart. You've lost so much blood because of me, and you still mention your love for me. Why do you stay only to just bleed? Are you afraid of me being mad? I promise I won't be, I understand why you would want to leave me behind. 

   This gun seems to have no end. The ammo keeps coming, and the trigger keeps being pulled. 

   So, yes, the shotgun fits me perfectly. Like a gun, I hurt people continuously, but I'm still kept around.