tw mental health

I haven't been in this website for a whole year. A lot has changed honestly. I don't know if a lot of people are going to see this but please I wanna tell you know that this is going to be talking about mental health.

For a whole year I've been chasing over this one guy, this guy at my school, he's a year older than me and he wasn't in anything but I still felt so attached to him. I messaged him a lot and he messaged back to me, I told him I was interested in him but he always declined me and said he wasn't looking for a relationship, which I understood but I always still had that in the back of my mind. He was someone I always wanted to text, always wanted to have there with me and for the most part he was. He was always so nice and always responded to me. But it always felt like just a response not a want to talk to me (if you understand). All that year it was just bread crumbs of does he like me back or is he just trying to be nice. That valentine we met, it was stupid and embarrassing, 3rd floor in front of the bathrooms I gave him a little beanie baby keychain of a monkey since he loved monkeys and he just gave me a heart lollipop. God it was so awkward but we hugged and I wanted to talk to him more but my class was right there and I felt it'd be awkward if I walked him to his class so we just went our own ways. He messaged me saying sorry he was so awkward and I said it was okay and I hope he enjoyed my gift. After that he just stopped texting me. Throughout all this time if I didn't reach out first he never would've. I messaged him one day asking why did he just stop talking to me and what was his deal, he told me he was thinking of dating me but my personality isn't what he was looking for in a partner. 

I wanted to die. Throughout that whole year he's always been the one almost controlling my emotions. That whole year I was so dependent on him when he was just being so dry and being so painfully clear he didn't want anything to do with me. I went into this big depression for nothing. This whole year school wasn't the thing making me wanna die, friends weren't the thing making me wanna die, it was all because of one guy. I don't blame him for everything really. I just mostly blame myself for feeling all this, for being so clingy to someone who didn't care. Whatever, I unfollowed him and stopped talking to him. But now something else came up.

My best friend is joining a dnd party with him in it. I know this is a stupid thing to write about because trust me, I know. I want my best friend to have all the fun in the world and they've been looking for a dnd party to play with. Its just I wish he wasn't in it. This all started when Saturday I went to take my permit test and I almost cried like 5 times because I thought I was never going to pass but I did, as soon as I got my phone back I told my best friend because who else would I tell. I can finally start driving and we can go where ever we want to go without anyone to tell us anything. But as soon as I left they called me telling me they need my permission for something. I thought it was for something else that has also been happening to them but nope. They told me a friend of theirs invited them to a dnd party and when they asked if I could join the friend said "didn't they have something with ----?" I'm happy they came to me to check I was okay with them joining it but I don't know, just hearing his name again, knowing my only closest friend is going to be in some party with them, hearing that I felt so just empty. I want my best friend to have all the fun in the world and live their life how they want, life is so short and we never know when we're all gonna just die and regret not doing stuff. I still felt like that but of course I said its no problem and just to not get "corrupted" by him. Even after saying that I still felt so, empty? I mean what if the party doesn't even work out? What if it isn't that good or it just falls through? What if I'm making myself feel so horrible for no reason?

Just the thought of him made me so just numb. Just hearing his name made me just go back to how I was. Even after saying it was okay I still just isolated myself from my best friend. I went back to just being so sad and just so scared of people leaving me. I know my best friend isn't going to just get up and leave, I mean we've known each other for 7 years or something. I still feel so scared, I still feel like I just wanna stop this feeling. Everyone would be better without me. How no one should have to deal with me. How I just always complain about my own hole that I dug but I don't do anything about it. I feel like I always go back to this. If I'm so tired of how I am of course the people around me are going to feel the same. I'm so over myself being so down about this guy but I can't seem to stop. I want this to stop. I wanna move on I wanna just find something else but even after months of not talking just the talk about him makes me wanna just shoot myself. 

I thought about how I would kill myself. I thought about if I did I'd have my best friend keep any of the things I have. That if I die they could keep my money to save up an apartment or save up for school. That if I die I'd clean my room and leave everything nice and neat, I'd sit on the floor and just end it, so when later my body is at some hospital or some funeral thing they can walk in my room and none of my posters be ruined, my bed made, all my stuff in order, they can lay on my bed and just think about me. Think about how much they care about me. All I want is for people to care about me. Its selfish but I think at the end of the day I just want someone to look at me and miss me. I don't know if it'll hurt but I'll just keep thinking about how, once I'm gone, people can think about me and just miss being around me. People can finally care about me once I'm gone. 

That's all. This blog probably didn't make much sense. Don't worry if I'll die because I mean I haven't died yet so, I probably won't any time soon. In my mind this website is dead but if you did read all of this thanks. I don't know if this will get taken down or my account suspended but whatever. Thank you for reading.