Expectations

So, I got a math homework question done by my mom cs i wasn't smart enough. She got the right answer in minutes while I had to solve for hours. When she taught me how she got it, her voice was loud like she was yelling at me. So I was holding in tears because she hates seeing me cry.

Cried because I was upset at myself and cs I wished she was nicer in teaching me.

I just wish she and my classmates didn't put me so high on the pedestal. Now I build my own expectations birthed from my mom's expectations on me. 

In all things I do I have to be the best in. I know that that's unhealthy and I'm very aware it's toxic. But no matter what I do, it still creeps in like it's a part of me. The mouth of my twin who tried to eat me in the womb and then I ate her in return. The thing is, whether she eats me or I eat her, she'll still be a part of me. So it didn't really matter.

"I have to be the best in math, science, being Christian, whatever whatever" I'M SO SICK. GET ME OFF THIS STAGE I DON'T WANT TO DANCE FOR YOU ANYMORE.

Sorry mom I can't be as smart as Einstein! Sorry mom I want to be a normal human being following the Lord! Sorry mom I don't want cuss, and I don't want to BE SET SO HIGH UP BECAUSE I DON'T DESERVE ANY OF IT. I DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING NICE AT ALL.

People might say "she wants the best for you" yes I know but this is destroying me. 

I'm mad at everyone, her, and MYSELF FOR CARING AT ALL. MYSELF THE MOST BECAUSE I STILL LISTEN TO WHAT SHE SAYS, TO WHAT I SAY. AND MYSELF BECAUSE I AM MAD AT PEOPLE.

I ALWAYS CRY WHEN I'M TAUGHT OR CORRECTED. I SEE MYSELF SO HIGH EVEN THOUGH I DESERVE TO SWIM IN THE LOWEST, MURKIEST MUD. WHY AM I HERE? WHY IS MY FACE ON YOUR FLAGS? AM I GONNA RUN UP FOR PRESIDENT? AM I GOING TO FIND A CURE FOR CANCER? NO. I JUST WANT TO BE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING NOT CHAINED BY EXPECTATIONS I'LL NEVER REACH. LEAVE ME ALOOONE