friendship and isolation

I wanted to post this so that others could see it and maybe relate to it. I don't come on here often, so I will probably not see replies and such. 

The past few years have been very humbling and isolating. This may sound cringe, but I find myself missing middle school because that's when I had the most friends and wasn't afraid to talk to random people. I had multiple friend groups, but since I went to a different high school than everyone else, my number of friends dropped immensely. I was fine with it at first, but since my friend count went from 20+ to maybe 4 or 5, it was definitely different. Over the years, my friendships with those people also dwindled. One of them I blocked because he was extremely rude and said very hurtful things, and didn't see any wrong with it. Another I also stopped talking to because she was honestly just using me, she had mental health issues, and most of the time depended on me and only me, eventually it didn't even feel like a friendship anymore. The one that hurt me the most was my best friend, someone I called a sister, blocked me without saying anything. I felt she was changing for the worse in some ways, and decided to distance myself from her for a bit. She confronted me and we talked about it. It was a good talk, and I thought things were going to be fine. She blocked me without saying anything; she only unblocked me to tell me her mom died. I had a few other small friendships here and there, but nothing serious. They either ended bad or we just stopped talking. I constantly feel alone. I miss the sisterly love I had with so many people. I know some situations weren't my fault, but some I know I could've done something different and wish I had. I try to make myself feel better by saying, "Well, they weren't the best people anyway," but it hurts seeing everyone I once knew live their lives with friends. I have tried to get myself out there. I tried making friends at my old work and most recent work, but they don't seem interested. They talk over me and, at times, completely ignore me. I find myself just staying quiet. I was excited to start college because I thought I would meet people, and I did. A guy came up to me and we started chatting. We had the same class, so it gave us a chance to talk. Eventually, he got a girlfriend and completely stopped talking to me, which i totally get and I'm not mad over it (honestly good for her), but it does make me a little sad. The friend with the mental health issues and I started talking again a while ago; she seemed to have gotten better, and we talked about both of our wrongdoings. In the time we didn't talk, she made new friends, something I was really happy about for her. A few months ago, she said she wanted to hang out with me more because she and her friends were having a rough patch, she felt they weren't on her side, and that I always was. I was extremely happy to hear this because I considered her one of my closest friends growing up and wanted to reconnect. I ended up working where she's working now. I thought this would be really good for us. It's not at all like I thought it would be, she never texts me and says she "has anxiety over texting," but she still texts and hangs out with her friends. Once they made up, she seemed to stop caring about us hanging out, like I was a last resort. This is honestly why I'm making this post, because frankly, I'm fed up and done with people. There were moments I told myself that this was it, that I was never going to interact with people, because what's the point? I had another friend invite me out with her friends. Great! I thought. She said I should bring another friend because, since I'm not as close to her as she is with her friends, she might ignore me. I stopped talking to her after that. One friend that I've known for years started to cancel on me last minute, never texted me, and just ignored me. Not to sound like a boomer, but this generation actually sucks. We're so anti-social and only cling to things we know and are comfortable with. I'm in the middle of reading Frankenstein, and all I'm thinking is "wow, this monster guy is relatable". It was really, really hard to not blame myself. I thought, "something must be wrong with me," or that I'm doing something to hurt these people. I try to be a good and nice person without crossing the "nice guy" line, and I constantly question if I'm a good person at all.

On the bright side, I have a very supporting and loving boyfriend. I know not everyone who isolates themselves can say that, so I'm very grateful to him. If I didn't have him, I think I'd go insane, honestly. I finally gave in and downloaded that Bumble Friends app, and I met a girl who has a lot of the same interests, which I'm very happy about because she seems cool. I desperately want this friendship to work, and I'm hopeful.

I hope whoever reads this knows you're not alone. Shit sucks and people suck, but don't let it get to you. Don't be unkind simply because someone else was unkind.