There's a mistake I keep making

I have always felt very confused by relationships. Friendships, romantic partners, even familial relationships. Romance never came easy to me, but I never really cared. Of course, it was nice to think about & it was fun to fantasize about my dream relationship, but I had never outright pursued many people. I just figured it wasn't a priority.

However even the most nonchalant people who claim that they have "better things to do" than be in a relationship experience that pang of longing for something you wish you had, right? I always thought I was too aware for relationships.

I think I'm too aware of many things. I wish that I had a little more ignorance just enough to where I could live happily. 

Adonis had been my friend for about almost a year? we were alone friends who met in a discord server and bonded over arcane. eventually I ended up cutting them off while going through an episode, and a week or two later I messaged them again and apologized for my outburst. They forgave me.

Adonis got to me like no one else did. They'd love me and tell me I had such a beautiful way with words, then they'd ghost me or lash out at me when I tried to talk to them. They would make me feel so seen just to leave me in the dark, and I was so sick of it. They would ignore my problems and beg me to fix their own, yet simultaneously would never tell me what the problem was. I felt so confused.

Normally, I'm the one who would just suggest you to end things with them if you aren't feeling fulfilled In your relationship, but this time it felt different for me (It wasn't different, by the way, it ended the exact same because I didn't want to be drained of everything I had anymore)

I left them again and went back again out of guilt and desperation to not feel so alone. However I realized that I had kept leaving for a good reason, and I knew why I kept coming back. I was so vulnerable and volatile, I was craving a closer connection of someone who I felt wanted me, one of the only people who would ever want me. They asked me if I would leave again, and I promised them I wouldn't.

And then I left again. 

The only difference? I don't regret it anymore.

Adonis had started to treat me like the only person in the world again, and I felt so happy they could see beyond my mistakes, me leaving just because of my emotions. Until an argument over something so ridiculously stupid that I honestly don't believe was my fault. I was explaining how excited I was for the love and deepspace Xavier myth coming up, and he had begun to make sly, insulting comments. I was hurt, and told them that I was just trying to tell them how excited I was. The following day they started acting unusually cruel to me, so I had asked what was wrong. he told me he wasn't mad, but started blowing me off for other people and being outright rude to me. Yet, whenever I asked him what I had done, or if he was mad at me for being upset over the game (which, yea it hurt, but I wasn't like holding a grudge or anything?), yet he just wouldn't answer me, telling me it was nothing and just dismissing me, acting as if we were friends. at first, I was so heartbroken, I didn't understand how to fix whatever I had done. The best way to describe that moment when you ask someone what's wrong, when there is something so clearly wrong, and they answer nothing? For me, it's just blue screening. I don't know how to fix the problem if they wont tell me.

Adonis always did this thing where he'd vague me in their status and would make me guess what I had done wrong. I am two sides of the same coin; I either very quickly figure out someone is upset with me, or I never find out unless you're upfront with me. Usually, it's the latter. I was running in circles and killing myself over someone I didn't even want- someone who I was subconsciously using to fill the void of a relationship.

I wanted to fix everything, to have our relationship go back. However, maybe the mistakes I made weren't me leaving. Maybe they were me coming back in the first place. I was better off leaving someone who was cruel to me, who was toying with me and making me jump through hoops like a show dog just for a lick of decent communication. I eventually wiped my tears and just asked myself, 'who am I doing this for?'

If it was having such a negative effect on me, and they weren't happy either, why should I stay? what was I going through it all for?

I'm happy I'm gone, and I wish the best for him, even though he was so clearly tainted by the world and by people. I knew he would have never made a good partner, I just had tried to see the good in him. I tried the best I could, but in the end I have to prioritize myself over some dude online.

Whatever!!