TW: GROOMING

I hate myself so much. I hate him too but I love him at the same time. I feel so filthy. I feel ‘impure’ and weird since I called him for the first time. It’s almost like I lost my virginity. It feels like he actually touched me. Every time we’re on call i feel validated, loved, pretty even. At the same time I feel uncomfortable and over-sexualized. He’s 25 and I’m 16 and I feel like this is all my fault. I shouldn’t have sent a picture of my face to him. I shouldn’t have added him on discord. I shouldn’t have join the call. I shouldn’t talked to him in the first place. But here I am, talking to him, telling him goodnight and asking about how his day went. I loove when he talks to me and I feel so disgusted when he call me by pet names or saying that he’s ‘claiming me’ (wtf?????). I feel so so dumb for casually accepting to show my face and body to a complete stranger at my big age of 16!! To make it worse, I’m starting to show obsessive behaviors and signs of jealousy. Every time he’s online and not talking to me, I’m thinking that he’s talking to someone else the same way he’s talking to me. I constantly think about him and it makes me wanna puke. I feel like this is entirely my fault. I could’ve avoid all that but i still did it, just cuz I have a shitty self-esteem and desperate for validation. I really hope it won’t last long but when it will be over, i’ll be more miserable and sad than I’ve ever been. I want to report him but I’m scared and idk how. I want to do it anonymously so that his relatives or the police know nothing about me and obviously, my parents should NEVER find out about this. I would kill myself or run away from home if my parents ever find out about all of that. Idk what’s wrong with me.