Here go a bit Vent

 It's just that gray cloud that persists in my mind, and I haven't really shared much with many. I think it's safe to explain a little more here; I doubt my mutuals will find this text. It's been a little over a year since I ended a relationship of almost ten years. I've always been uninterested in starting a romantic relationship because, even before I knew I was autistic, I felt I was a difficult person to deal with, and that not just anyone could be in tune with my eccentric ways. I was already an adult when I felt I could open myself up to finding someone. I tried to date someone, had my first kiss (and it was French), and I thought it was awful.

 The person himself was nice, but I didn't feel anything for him. Some time passed, and a friend who was already interested in me (in a more sexual way) started making more gentle and romantic advances. It was with this person that I decided to take a chance, and I've spent the last few years with them. But I'd say that, through ups and downs, things started to go south about four years ago. My bouts of insecurity, or jealousy, whatever you want to call it, started to show their true colors. I discovered he'd already hit on three other people while we were dating, including exchanging nudes. We never had that kind of agreement in the relationship, and it was already a breach of trust, but I gave him the option to forgive him, because he swore that, after all, nothing happened in practice. Some time later, he said he'd been feeling sad and suffocated in the relationship, and that's when he proposed we get a second boyfriend. 

 Right away, I told him I didn't feel like I was polyamorous and wanted to break up. He said we should try for various reasons, and with trepidation, I accepted. At that moment, you think about how much time and emotion you've invested in that relationship. "It wouldn't hurt to try, I've already come this far," I thought, and I really couldn't say if it would work or not. It was my first relationship, and I'd already discovered other things to like and dislike about a relationship. But my instincts were definitely right once again. I'd already noticed he talked to other people more than me, even online. This person wasn't even from our country, so he was constantly yearning to travel and see him. He wanted to include me in his 3* relationship, like a triangle, but I didn't feel any good vibes from that. The few times I saw the other person, he barely spoke to me; he seemed like a rock. 

 But the worst of all was when my ex started making the conversation more about himself and defending him. "You can't judge him, he has shyness issues." Well, everyone has problems. I was the only one at that time in therapy to improve myself and my relationships (including my relationship). He clearly had ADHD, refused therapy, and wanted to push another unresolved person into a relationship that was already struggling. 

 Well, my final straw for our relationship was the thin line of him not making up his mind about our future. When I asked him how we would do this, he said he didn't know, that he thought something "half and half" was fair. I didn't feel like a priority before, and that broke me. I had told him we could even make it work if our relationship was a priority, but he wanted to give more choice to a third person who had just entered his life. Well, he seemed in love, more than he'd ever been, since he talked about him constantly, even among friends. I analyzed the situation further: we had just arrived from a convention, and this person was also there. 

 My ex had assured me that this trip was ours, and that he would prioritize being with me, and that this person had been warned about this. But when it didn't get there, everything happened the other way around. From the very first day, he was mostly with us, which made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. So, on the second day, my ex started blaming me for being "too clingy", Throwing all this responsibility on me, while I was acting naturally. Then, i found out soon after because the third person was already upset, somehow, that he wasn't paying enough attention to them. And when I found out about this, halfway through the second day, I almost ended the relationship right there. But I decided to wait and try to have fun during the rest of the convention I had left. Well, the convention was shit. 

 Anyway, right now, I'm more than ever worried about getting into another relationship. It was all stressful, exhausting, and just imagining this whole ritual of meeting someone, talking, gaining trust and intimacy makes me feel tired and lazy. It's made worse by the fact that I'm demisexual, which makes the effort and investment even more difficult.

 I mean, not everything was horrible; we had some really good times, we helped each other. But at the same time, I felt a bit like a lovebomb victim (this final breach of trust made me question the rest of the relationship), with the typical guy who says, "You're unique and special to me," to anyone with even the slightest interest. Yes, he says our relationship was unique, and the longest-lasting of his life, but how can I believe those words after everything that happened?

 To this day, I still can't wrap my head around this part of my life. It's frustrating to still have feelings of love and concern for him, while simultaneously feeling bitterness and frustration. Now I can say I'm trying to move on from the experience, but I don't feel like I'll try again in this life.

PS: Just my story, I don't want to discourage anyone. I'm me, and I already had a lot of internalized things about being in a relationship. As I said in the text, I'm demisexual, autistic, and depressed. I found myself at a point in my life where being in my own home, alone, as an adult, does me a world of good! I'm still a bit traumatized by everything that happened, haha.

PS2: The lack of multiple contexts was intentional for my anonymity.