20211207 - mentally messy

its been a while since i've been here. i thought i was getting better. i was playing my fav game (genshin impact) and exploring the new worlds, stories and quests. had my first thanksgiving w the loml (i like her but idk anymore), met 5 new ppl online who were v kind to me but applying for uni is suck an ass. 

i think this all started back in november when one of the colleges i was applying to had the scholarship thing available until tomorrow when i was writing my essay. just when i was done writing the supplementary essays and my common app essay i thought i could just submit it and the school will see it. i fucking needed a guidance counselor to put in my school shit and it was only earlier this week i was able to submit. i was writing and pushing myself to be awake at like 4 am. i was overwhelmed. i honestly didnt have a plan b wat ill do after high school. maybe getting a job yeah but i had to wait for unis here to open their admissions.

playing genshin was my escape mechanism. i actually wanted to play overwatch but since i cant play on my account or my brothers acc (since he was on) i rlly didnt have any other choice but to get stuck at one game. i miss comp. i miss the time where the ppl i play w were free and i was doing well in school. i cant do a single lesson or hw. just when i saw the school email me abt me not having progress i panicked. ofc my mom could see it. i havent been mentally well for the past few days,,, more like weeks.

my arms and hands feel weak and cant control them w my muscles properly, my breathing feels limited and more shallow its like 8th gr all over again. ive thought of killing myself, well not rlly but cutting or slicing myself. i feel so bad for ending my life. my mom paid for my tuition and i cant let that go to waste. i promised a friend we'll meet up during the christmas and i know that f(x) will comeback or at least reunite. i doubt the last one will happen. this years mama awards kinda suck. a wannaone reunion that no one asked lol wheres sistar's stage cb. 

even as i write this rn i feel hopeless, miserable and locked. tonight i will torture myself in doing 2-3 hw. ive prepared myself hot tea, milk tea and sweet tea. ofc im not drinking them continously. i drank my hot tea earlier and my milk tea is halfway done. ngl the matcha feels so unblended and the boba so much sugar syrup. 

sigh i have to pull myself together until this friday cuz im going to church. i dont like going to church or praying. ive always thought in this world theres only us and no miracles. the world where we are killing ourselves unknowingly. even if the ozone layer is healing other problems arise. besides the elephant in the room, corona, refugees, immigrants, poverty and world problems became so bad. idk if these world leaders know wat theyre doing or just chasing the bag at this point. their younger selves would hate their older selves sm cuz they know smtg is wrong. 

feeling kinda sour that 3 of my irl oomfs r or already have partners, bf or gf. like how tf did yall get one. did i just dodge someone who was tryna hit on me. sure there was this person i liked but they didnt like girls, the other was ,,, v distant. even though we knew each other for years we never rlly clicked w each other. its like were strangers who knew each other for years. there is this person i like their discord status would b somewhere the lines of "oh to be a lesbian and have a gf or 2 im not picky" idk if they were rlly les, or bi or just queer,,, or queerbaiting. i cannot fall into the supercorp hole and traumatic experience it was. been queerbaited for so long i cannot afford to exchange my time just to be jebaited. 

mmm well i think this is the time we shall depart and i might comeback in the next month or two. i feel insecure when expressing my voice or my frustrations to my friends or in twt. im scared of sharing or telling my burdens for i do not want them to carry it as well. my only goal now is to graduate with high honors and fucking clutch the shit out from school and then have the freedom to go out and play games. 

my personal song recommendation rn is idle worship by paramore.

c yall ig

p.s. i applied for volunteering in wsc but i doubt theyll check my email. its been 2 weeks since i sent them one feeling sad man.