10.07.25 Spent 6hrs on TikTok

(TW: kinda heavy emotional stuff)

where do i even start, was there ever a beginning?

The first time i felt sheer despair was at some young age between 7-9, primary school age, single digit age. I may have looked older, everyone always thought I was older. sitting in a dirt and rock covered clearing, a valley to a child, a small creator really, hidden from all the tents and trailers. amongst the scratchy cat tail like weeds that bloom purple and maroon. i sat down cold in only shorts and a tee shirt in the cool evening air. knees to my chest. sobbing, I cant remember if i wailed out loud or in silence. All i feel is the cold, and the itch in the my throat. I don't know what I was crying about, I don't know why i was sad, or alone. I felt so very alone. Maybe that was the first time i really understood that I was lonely. a very lonely girl. Maybe i hoped God was there watching me so that I wasn't alone, crying all alone. I've always thought whats the point of doing anything if there's no one there to witness. 

I'm much older now, it feels wrong to even call myself a girl, and i am still so very lonely. How do you explain to the people in your family, your own mother, siblings, grandparents, cousins, aunties. That they don't know you. Will never understanding you the way you yearn to be understood. that you feel wrong and alien and ghostly. How can you see someone everyday and have no real relationship with them. I feel like I'm a very shitty actor. Im not mysterious or even misunderstood. to be misunderstood someone has tried and failed to know you. 

I will not be young forever, i don't want to be like this when I'm older. When I grow up... 

(This was a very off the head writing sesh, and not revised, I just want to be remembered when I go, maybe it's so strong from neglect and always being the overshadowed child, maybe thats just therapy speak, one day i will publish a book of my poetry, so thank you if you read this)