A time for boredom, a time for plans, a time for empty nostalgia

July 9th, 2025

I start my senior year of high school in a little less than a month. I just started my last season of marching band. I'm working towards getting my license by September. I have not contributed to society in my life except for selling Girl Scout cookies to my school's population. The summer has come and gone, though I haven't much to show for it. I've done nothing and everything at the same time. Ive seen my friends, had a strange talking stage or two, went swimming, drank, rotted around uselessly, cleaned my entire kitchen, cried, danced, seen the fireworks and sun and heat lightning over a coastal line, and most frequently, prayed for college to come sooner than it is.

 I need to get out of my house. I need to see my future right in front of me. Music education. I think? I know. It goes back and forth. Not sure I'd be good at anything else. Being musically inclined feels like the only thing I have going for me. God if I could play guitar and write songs. You'd never see me going to college then. But like I said, I really, REALLY want to get out of this house. It's not good for me. I love my family with all of my heart, but I see how depressed they get, and I've been working so hard to keep myself from falling back into old habits. I couldn't tell you the last time the house was clean. It gets worse by the day. When I have my own house I will burn or dump anything that isn't important to me. I can't stand being surrounded with everything and anything. Also, I will not have a single carpeted room. Living in house where EVERY room is carpeted and you have pets should be illegal. 

The sun beams on me while I practice colorguard in an open field at the back of my soon to be alma mater and it makes me feel like a person. Yes they'res sweat and sunscreen in my eyes, yes I feel like I could pass out at any moment, and yes they'res an ant biting my ankle, but I wouldn't have it any other way. My teammates are my family. I still can't comprehend how I ended up being one of the captains. Seniority, most likely, but I feel so blessed. I need to buy bug spray. What I really need to buy though is a new phone. I haven't had one since may. I dont necessarily miss it, but I feel bad that people can't reach me all the time. But the summer's been kinda nice without it, though I've still been rotting online with my computer. A teenager and her laptop with time to kill is a dangerous combination. I've googled probably every symptom of anything I've ever experienced. According to the internet I have POTS low blood sugar an allergy to tomatoes and most likely autism. What amazing discoveries the world provides me.

 My rice purity score got a lot lower than I expected it to (and by that, I mean it went down about 2 points. She's so crazy! can't take her anywhere!) I really wish that my camera wasn't broken. I enjoy taking pictures of everything, but my camera wont stay on more that 20 seconds typically. Very unreliable. It would be nice to be employed, since I'm so broke, but everyone is telling me to focus on my senior year and enjoying time with my friends, and who am I to say no to that? I love geeking out with them. Band friends, theater friends, online friends, about 75 percent of my interactions are with homosexuals. I find that a lovely thing. Live music is also a lovely thing, though my next concert still isn't for 2 months. I think that everyone should be a Paramore fan. That isn't even the band I'm seeing, but Hayley Williams is an absolute gem.

 I can feel my frontal lobe developing. I know that it won't be like ready or whatnot for another 7 years but I just feel like I'm becoming more cognizant of my actions, and like more self aware. Not in the way that Im becoming more "normal", I still feel very strange and act very strange, but there's been some kind of shift. I've started 3 books in the past month and haven't finished a single one. Calendars and planners may be one of the most beneficial inventions on the planet. I need to start going to bed earlier. My chemical romance is potentially dropping a new song on Friday.

 My world feels at peace and like it's going through a war zone all at once, but I choose to focus on the peace of things that I can personally control. I CHOOSE to, not sure if I'm actually doing it. I wanna go to church this week, I miss the comforting grandmas who always compliment my dresses. Summerween should be a real holiday. English Composition II might be the stupidest college class ever. Not really, it's just infuriating, and I think that professors make it hard on purpose. I really just need a better work ethic, really. Online summer classes feel way too optional. 

I yearn for the weight of another person on me. I've been single too long (it's only been about two and a half months but I keep seeing happy relationship posts everywhere).Why the hell is it 20 dollars to buy a bowl of mixed fruits? All of the pineapple pieces and grapes will be gone in about 48 hours. I am content in the fact that God absolutely has a plan for me. Sure, he's throwing about 13000 curveballs at me before I find out what's in store but thats life I guess. Sugary breakfast foods are becoming so unappealing.

 I feel bad that I've been talking for so long but I'm just typing for about  5 people maximum. The summer harvest is starting soon on Roblox's Grow A Garden, and I think that is an important thing that I need to go contribute to. Stream Riot! by Paramore.