Report Blog Entry
I don't come on here often anymore. But I really need to say something without having anyone I know see it and come asking questions or anything.
Everything's going wrong in my life right now, I can barely eat everyday because I have no food, my family keeps getting into more and more debt, I've been fired from my 5th job this year and they still won't tell me why.
But I've been realizing something lately. Anytime I want to do something that makes me happy or helps me become the person I want to be, it all goes wrong. When I want to celebrate my birthday with my friends? My dog gets run over right in front of me. When I want to play a game I really like? My console breaks and I have no way of fixing it. When I want to get a new job and stay there for more than one fucking month? They fire me, over and over and over again.
When I want to go to college and actually take a step into my future rather than hide away from it forever? We get hit with noticed about bills and debt and have our car taken and our water cut off and then everything in the house breaks and forces us to pay to get it fixed leaving us in more debt than before.
Really, I'm the source of everything going wrong in my family. I was an accident, and I don't say that to be self depricating, it's a genuine fact. My depression, anxiety, and adhd meds aren't covered by our insurance anymore so I've stopped taking them. That's probably wby I feel this way now. But it doesn't matter. It's just a fact I'm the source of everyones problems around here. Nothing goes right for me. I try, and I try, and I try, and it never works. I can't smile or talk enough to be a waitress, or I don't take a job seriously enough, or I'm not willing to clean a fucking table for the 5th time just because the boss is a old fucking hag who can't stand seeing people doing nothing when there's nothing to do.
So, I've pulled out of college. I'm not going anymore. It's really tearing me up inside. I'm crying while im writing this. It's probably the worst mistake of my life But my life is a mistake in of itself. It's unfortunate because it's so late in doing it and I really wanted to go.
I can't pretend I didn't see my mom crying after everyone's gone to bed when I get some water anymore. I can't pretend I don't see my brother blowing his money on anime porn instead of helping pay bills anymore. I can't pretend like I don't see my dad buying useless stuff we're never gonna use anymore.
Really, it would have been better if I was never born.
Comments
Displaying 1 of 1 comments ( View all | Add Comment )
Marshmallow_Fluff
I'm going to share a bit of advice from someone who was formerly in a similar position of believing themselves to be the accident to the point of nearly ending it all.
The cliche of "Your worth it" is still true. The world is an ocean of voices. However, to allow them to drown you would be the greatest loss of a lighthouse. The ocean came to ruin your birthday, your job, your family. And the lighthouse has had its light cracked. The ocean is trying to drown out the lighthouse.
But, you take the poison and spit it back in the face of the ocean. The lighthouse remains.
If others want to neglect their lighthouse, there is a point you understand that is their choice. But when you shift your thoughts outward, to think of how you can be a blessing to others, you smile. Hell is all around, but you smile because the poison can't touch you.
I'm speaking as someone who had their dog run over and to this day after nine years the person who did it hasn't been found. I'm speaking as someone who has an issue with stuttering and facial tics, whose family is so unwound I haven't seen my close relatives as one is out going after women and another has completely stopped speaking and cut off all ties. I haven't seen either of them in almost seven years. I share as a testimony that the lighthouse still stands, no matter what the ocean throws.
To end it, to accept the voices of the ocean would be allowing them to win and snuff out another light, making this world more even more cruel than it already is.
I have a few tracks that are good listens during times of pondering. I hope you feel some warmth out of it. Remember, you are worth it and loved.
L.S.U. - Shaded Pain
Leper - Odio Tutto
Saviour Machine - Child in Silence
Rich Mullins-Ready For the Storm