integrating two experiences to form a whole

two of my most important takeaways from what I've learned today in the self-development realm is 'accepting, holistically, that you have needs' & 'trying to access both sides of your experience of the world'. I apologise in advance if my explanations kind of suck, I'm not thinking as technically as I might usually. I just thought it might be interesting or helpful to others.

as for the first, I came across a new podcast a little earlier. the episode I listened to was about the necessity of acknowledging that we (the disorganisedly attached- I understand that's probably not a very relatable experience) have needs, & that no matter how illogical they are, we need to let ourselves have them. that's not to say that it's acceptable for us to force others to bend to our will to get our needs met, & I actually think that part of the point was not having anybody else witness our controlled outburst. I believe one of the examples given was to find a space in which we can be alone to physically scream & cry & shout about how much we, well, need whatever we need- to actually let ourselves fully feel that desperation & to be present for it.

this was actually pretty big news to me because I'm usually trying my damned hardest to suppress my needs, let alone consciously acknowledge that they're there & let them inform my decisions. but like, we have to pay attention to our upset because we can't be in fulfilling relationships without acknowledging that we have needs & making attempts to satisfy them (& thankfully now I have better tools surrounding how to go about doing that, rather than being mean & controlling). denying our needs is how we end up resentful at best, & subjected to narcissistic abuse at worst (because we can't set boundaries, & value the other person more than ourselves- two necessities for narcissistic manipulation). & I think part of the reason I was so miserable in my previous relationships was because I was too scared to be mindful of my own internal world, because I needed so badly to be accepted (for who I was pretending to be- how miserable! Girl they don't even value your mask. you poor critter). I just expected the other party to know what I needed, because I was too scared of rejection to even ask.

but it seems to me that placing our needs... not at the very forefront of our minds, because that'd make us self-centred, but actually exploring & letting them have value allows us to... behave with less desperation. we won't expect others to anticipate what we're not even aware of or acknowledging. we can instead make considerate, warm & vulnerable attempts to communicate our needs to the other party- & I can't yet say with honesty that I truly believe this is possible, so I'll say it through slightly gritted teeth- & get our needs met. & especially for those of us who are disorganisedly attached, who view both ourselves & other people negatively, having those positive experiences is absolutely crucial to our attempts to form internal safety & stability, because it reinforces our attempts to challenge the beliefs we have about the world. it's about learning that we can trust us when we're scared or upset, & it's about learning that it's safe &... conducive to healing to ask other people for help, too. even if the other party can't meet our needs (& I am assuming that we've made a sincere, non-pressuring attempt to communicate them), the practice we get in trying to be the safe person we can come to improves our ability to make better decisions when we're in heightened states of reactivity.

as for the second - I found this a more familiar concept. 

it's the idea that those with disorganised attachments, unlike the other insecure attachment styles, can access both their heightened, needy emotions (as an anxious would), & their distant rationality (as an avoidant would), but that to make fulfilling relationship decisions we need to be mindful of both of them before we act. as for myself, I was so ashamed at being previously anxious that I repressed my neediness (because it, unregulated, was what lead me to push a loved one away) & was instead very avoidant. I completely disregarded my emotional experiences & needs because I thought that doing so, that 'not repeating' my past 'mistakes' would allow me to 'get it right' this time. but as the video pointed out, that attempt to shove half of our experience down makes it harder for us to actually get it right, because it still persists inside of us, & has to re-emerge eventually (usually when we're facing conflict or are otherwise triggered). 

what we need to do instead is accept the other side of our experiences, & make a point of exhibiting it from the start, rather than trying to act like it's not there. most of us will rely more on one coping strategy (the one that was more successful for us in childhood) than the other- in my case that's avoidance, so I'll use that as my example. as much as behaving avoidantly- appearing to be friendly & open, but running away as soon as I feel threatened, or something is expected of me- is more comfortable for me, if I'm to have an actually meaningful relationship with someone else, I need to be willing to experience my anxiousness in small parts constantly (which does require sharing it), rather than bottling it up until I explode or run away. 

in some regard, because I can access both my heightened emotions & my clinical rationality (much like a securely attached person- the only difference is the consistency with which we can do so), I feel that it won't be as hard for me to strike the balance between them than if I relied solely on one & tried to bury the other so deeply that not even I could find it anymore. the goal is to create a consistent approach to relationships by harnessing & equally utilising the worldviews that we usually experience inconsistently & separate from one another. - not to try to hide them even more in our new relationships, but to invite them to be a part of our lives, because at the end of the day they're still a part of us. & as we lose our desperation to hide the inconsistent & fearful parts of ourselves, we enter into relationships where all of us is accepted & loved, & we become more functional & well-adjusted for that.

& I think that's something to feel hopeful about.