My mind is caught in a tug-o-war

Time to write. I’ve got some shit on my mind. I don’t know how to describe how I’m feeling right now. It’s like extreme sadness mixed with extreme indifference. I was listening to a podcast the other day about the minimalism lifestyle. Essentially, focusing on living a life free of clutter, free of feeling imprisoned by excessive materialism and consumerism, and living with intention.

I’ve been doing decently well with some of it. I’m at my grandma’s house right now, but the last time I was at the apartment I was making progress on decluttering my living space. Also, even before I quit Rotella’s, I was cutting back on buying new material possessions, and I’ve resisted the urge of retail therapy when I’m feeling down.

One thing that was mentioned in the podcast with regard to intentional living is making a point of practicing gratitude. So for the last few days I’ve been writing three things that I’m grateful for, and I told myself that I would list between one and three things each day.

Of course, the second I decide to start doing something positive for my mental health, my depression decides to hijack my brain. It’s 3:10 am, and I’ve just been sitting around eating and wishing I didn’t feel anything at all. I don’t want to think. I don’t want to feel. I even did a Google search to see what antidepressants I could get get on that would completely suppress my emotions, because I’ve heard that’s a thing that happens a lot, but I couldn’t really find anything that wasn’t about what to do and how to fix it if that does happen; the complete opposite of what I want.

I just keep thinking how much I wish I had the courage to completely shut down every way that anyone has a way to get ahold of me, change my phone number, pack up my stuff and move away, and not tell anyone where I’m going. I know it’s a problem and extremely unhealthy, but I always feel like I have to hurt the people I love to get a reaction out of them to feel like I matter to anyone.

Any time I try to talk to people I consider friends, or I try to form new relationships (talking to women I have a crush on), they give me very little attention. I can’t force anyone or guilt anyone into talking to me. I can’t just unload onto anyone else and expect them to be able to help me, but I keep seeking to have a woman who can do that for me.

Somehow, I have co-dependency issues, even though I haven’t touched a woman for ten years or been been in a relationship for fourteen years. People always say that no one can love you until you love yourself. I understand the argument, but it also makes me feel like I don’t deserve love. I feel like, because I’m broken, that I don’t deserve anything good. I understand how it could lead to a toxic relationship, but I’m just starting to realize more and more that my life doesn’t have meaning unless I’m making someone else happy.

I know those feeling have compounded since I quit my job. I had a lot of time to think about things that I didn’t want to think about but, even though my job was ridiculously toxic, I guess that I felt like my life had a little more meaning. I know I need to get back to work very soon, but will it actually give my life meaning? Does it matter? A job is a job. I just want enough income to be content. I do want to be able to donate money to good causes and to be able to find a way to help people in need, but I can’t get away from wanting to love and be loved. I don’t know how to stop feeling like that’s the most important thing in life. It’s obviously a bullshit thought process, otherwise everyone would be loved and we would die without it.

So I sit here, feeling completely lost and dejected. I want to live a contented and intentional life, I want to love someone and make them happy and be loved in return, but I also want to have absolutely no one in my life that I have to rely on. I can’t have both. It’s impossible to be both content AND emotionally blunted. I just feel so hurt that nobody wants anything to do with me. I feel like I’ll never be loved. I don’t want to care. I don’t want to feel anything.