Random rant :D

Its nothing serious and it wont make sense but  i just want to rant because i have been a bit overwheled lately. im currenctly 14 but i already feel like i am wasting my life. i dont have many friends, i dont have a good social status, im not pretty, i dont do anything. i thought this summer was going to be so cool and i could hang out with my trio a lot and it would be fun and everything but so far we havent even met up once. i keep seeing people my age and others in general actually living life and having all the fun i always wanted. i have tried to find other people to have do things with but i really dont even know how:( i dont have any summer activities to meet new people and even if i did i dont think anyone would ever chose to have someone like me as a frined like i sayd im not pretty which i have noticed plays a big role nowadays, im fat, i have had acne for ages, im not very smart and how could i possibly forget that on top of everything im disabled too. great. and god forbid its something small no i have to have a whole missing hand. i recently got a prosthetic and i was really excited for it. i mean a chance to be atleast a little bit more normal and look like others but i how dare i hope for something like that. it turned out so useless and i honestly dont even wear it because its actually so useless and ugly on me that im better without it. it really crushed my life. i have always dreamt of playing an instrument like guitar or vioin and i was so excited that maybe i could with my prosthetic but of course not. no one will ever understand my jealousy over normal people who have all oppurtunities open to them and could do anything they like if they only wanted. it makes me so mad seeing people dismiss all the chances theyr lives have offered them only because the are "lazy". i wish i had all those oppurtunities. i would do anything to have the chances others just waste away. everyone has so many choices of what they could do and i have nothing. anyways, so i changed the way i dress to maybe stick out more but obviously since im fat and ugly all i got was more insecure. then i decided i should try to wear soe makeup so sat and tryed out different ways to put on mascaras and eye liners to the point my eyes were all red. i finally found a way to do the makeup a way that i really liked and one day i decided to show my family and all i got was that i looked like a bimbo or a prostitute. and still nobody likes me. also on the topic of family id talk about them too. my brother has always made my life so miserable and sad. he was the reason i wanted to kill myself at the age of 9. my brother is one of the popular boys in my school and has humiiliated me in front of the school quite a few times. last year every morning when i was waiting for the bus the first thing he sayd to me that i should kill myself. what a way to start the day:) he has told it to me sooo many times along with a LOT of other things. usually the other things are about how fat and ugly i am. and he has no shame in saying all those things either he has sayd it all in front of my parents too and my parents never do anything about it. it makes me think maybe they think so too. maybe they think im fat and ugly too and maybe i really should kill myself. i really dont have anything to live for anyways. at home id hope i could atleast get some privacy right but no no whenever i lock my room door my brother literally somehow lockpicks my door lock so whenever he wants in he can. so no privacy ANYWHERE for me either and once again my parents dont give a single fuck about me they can literally hear me scream at him to get out and they do nothing. i cant even rely on my own family. i haved hoped i could rely on my friends but sometimes they really make me feel like even they hate me. they never want to hang out they never want to do anything when i invite them. also they both look like LITERAL MODELS. so cant on rely on my friends either. and thats it. i dont have anyone else in my life. Im all alone. i have NO ONE to help me. i myself have thought about killing myself at this point. i dont know what else could i possibly change about myelf to make ANYONE like me. maybe thats just what my fate is meant to be. maybe im meant to die as a ugly, talentless, unloveable disabled freak. all i can do right now is kepp being the happy friend who "doesnt get bothered by harsh words and never feels upset". because if i EVER show im not some happy and jolly girl everyone INSTANTLY says that im depressed and emo and will make fun of me. i have experienced it before and i dont want to feel that again. i dont know what to do anymore. i really dont. i have nothing planned for my future. for a while the only thing i hoped of my future was that i would die before i turned 20. i keep hearing how others want to be vets or teachers or like own an animal shelter. i could hear that someone wants to become a stripper or a pornstar and i wouldnt judge them. its brigter than my future for sure. i have been trying to work already. i have worked at my dads business and i have tryed to open my own business and i have tried to become an actor but so far i havent reached anything with them. im so so so so jealous of people who are excited to grow up who know exactly what they want to do and who they want to be while i do nothing nothing at all. i wish i wasnt cursed to be the way i am. i wish i had a purpose i wish i could achieve something anything in my life  i wish i could make atleast myself feel like i can accomplish something i wish i wasnt such a burden to everyone. over time i have actually decided that maybe im not meant to have anyone by my side and maybe its better that nobody has to get stuck with a screw up like me. i have kind of accepted that the only thing thats going to be written on my grave is that i was my parents' daughter. i dont want anyone wasting their time on me. maybe thats why i dont have friends. because i just slow others down. it feel like everyone else has a direction and im just standing still.

Sorry if i make horrible grammar mistakes and it doesnt make any sense at all. i just wanted to write some feelings out :<