(sort of a lil diary entry, but i hope someone relates, so im making it public.)
ive made slow but steady progress when it comes to climbing up the social ladder ever since i got medicated. four years ago, i was a failure, with my grades down the drain, a burnt out gifted kid. now im hot, outgoing, and have people on their knees for me. how in the world do i deal with it??
i passed all my classes. i passed all my finals. im delving into the world of college and employment soon. all with ease! im fine. its all so mundane, im so mundane, but i still climb the stairs to my apartment on all fours and bark at my friends and behave like a child. but im hot and funny, so its excused. (god forbid i did that when i was chubby, though. i hate double standards.)
people i used to relate to and have fun with are jealous of how well im doing. they hate and envy me because they still have a ways to go. i couldnt talk about my achievements without a prickly back handed comment from someone i thought of as cool. my success fuels their self pity, and im shunned for no longer being a 'loser' like they view themselves to be. fine, ill go elsewhere, i guess.
but im so used to other weirdos enabling my behavior (i wouldnt call it *bad* behavior... just behavior) that now, when i talk to normal, genuine, not-crazed people i get so stuck.
and so now, when its my first time dating a healthy person, i find myself in the role of my exes, worrying about his view on me, managing my actions to the point where im scared to be too weird. most every guy i had was mentally ill, a freak, an anxious mess, and now its my turn to be in that role. i screw up, and i freak out, and i have to be reassured that im fine.
i forget im a complete loser inside and when i do my own loser shit, i get reminded and go into a panic. i thought they called me a freak, hated me for my childishness? where is that judgement now? is it age that made it go away, my appearance? what has suddenly changed that i now have the green light to act stupid in public?
maybe it was those things, at least a little. but thinking about it, maybe it was also the way i spent my time with people that so proudly and loudly spoke badly of others. rarely did it happen when i was alone.
i think reintegrating is the last step of recovery, but it feels so weird. i fit in but im not used to it. im feeling fantastic, but im not used to it. im lost because of how well things are going for me. i was an outcast up until now, but everyone else is either still an outcast or has never been one. where do i go, after only staying in?
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lupusInstinct
uve come so far twin..... so proud of u
I LOVE YOU TWIN :HEART HANDS:
by Beck; ; Report