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hey space aliens. realized i haven't posted in over a year. just unlocked the spacehey (found out i still have it). i realized i am way too open on the internet. need to keep my digital footprint in check, but a lot of things have happened, as they do in a year. and i've grown up a lot. it's a good thing.
yet with all that being said, i'm doing something that seems to be in juxtaposition of the words i just said. i do want to share something i wrote because i think it will help other people who go through a similar siutation/state of being. warning: it is me going through a depressive episode.
Just One Thing.
nothing seems okay.
the silence in my head is like emptiness of the drawers in my mind.
i try to find my slice of pie in the sun
only the sun rays can cure my deepest pain.
i know this feeling always returns. sometimes joy is temporary, but at least i experienced it for a while before this.
there’s this saying that there’s always darkness before the dawn.
my spirit is so low that i can’t think. I used to be able to pull myself out of it easily. I used to look at my depressive episode journals and think “wow I will never be like that again and I’m grateful” but that’s also somewhat true. Since I know I can make it through the bad, I know that good is always going to be on the other side somehow, and that my friends, is true human resilience.
I struggle to connect with other human beings, even those who are closest to me. Maybe it’s because I’m so asleep in my own world. A week has past from a time when I never had a day to myself for two weeks, and this is what I learned. I don’t have a fake persona, so what you get is very real and raw. Sometimes I don’t have anything to say at all, which can make others uncomfortable or feel like they’re just talking about themselves, but really I don’t mind. I like to listen, it’s almost like a podcast or a YouTube channel.
Time warps can be strange. I didn’t experience them until recently. A week can go by. Sometimes a year can go by without me noticing. And a lot can happen in a year. In one year, I finished two semesters of college, learned how to talk to people on the phone (social training), fell out with two people (one of them lowkey being a traumatizing ex), had at least 3 or 4 choir concerts, changed my major/direction in life from music to psychology (although i still don’t know what i’m gonna do with it), battled another round of grief trying to figure out how to work with a family illness, and figured out i’m actually more of an introvert than an extrovert, depending on who i’m hanging out with. which is really interesting. Not as important, but still thought it was food for thought. I know there are others like me out there in the world somewhere.I learned that sometimes I value my bed and TV shows more than other people - which is kind of sad - but sometimes it can be cool to live in a world created by you, but at the end of the day it is a distraction. A helpful one at times, but it is TEMPORARY and we still need to get out and experience the world.
another thing if i’m going to be honest about my struggles… i struggle to take take of myself. They say the first step to growth is admitting you have a problem…or i guess i should say alcoholism 12 step program. Either way: growth. Let’s see…so there are many times I forget to brush my teeth, wash my face, I forget what days I shower on, there are some days I don’t leave the house. Now I realize we have a responsibility to take care of ourselves and the things we own. Otherwise, destruction and evil forces. You can’t change if you don’t do anything about it.
Sidenote: If there’s one person who taught me kindness and how important it is to be kind to yourself it’s Lady Gaga. So part of me wants to take care of myself because I relate to her. We both play (ed) classical piano, have an interest in fashion, love the gays, struggle with relationships, and so forth. In a way, she’s very alien. And so in a way, I relate to that because there are a lot of times where I’m a little alien blessed with the tism and ADHD butterfly with undiagnosed depression and have that campy artsy theatre show kid inside.
One of my favorite lyrics from her Fame Monster album is Dance in the Dark, particularly the bridge.
Work your blonde (Jean) Benét Ramsey
Find your freedom in the music
Find your Jesus, find your Kubrick
Diana, you're still in our hearts
Together, we'll dance in the dark
You can still dance in the dark even when you’re going through hell. You have to find a purpose and keep going. Don’t let the past hold you back, just keep your blinders on and focus on the present. Remember that the difficult things and eras in your life were possible to get through because of hope. Ask yourself why life is difficult right now. Is it intrapersonal or the outside world? How can you improve just one thing and what would you improve? Really focus on just one thing. You can shift your mind, as proven by this one journal article.
I think this is the time I get back into my theatre show kid self. I want to watch Gypsy (I love Rose’s Turn after playing it in the car the other day and watching Kurt perform it on Glee when I was about 12/13).
For my final trick of the evening, I will like a doctor, prescribe myself either to watch Johnnie Guilbert or Jake Webber and watch Trixie Mattel and Brittany Broski Royal Court.
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