Summer Blog Post - #5

I'm tired.

I mean right now, I physically feel tired. It's 10:00PM (22:00EST) as I begin this blog. I just got home from a walk, and I put together a new desk chair. My last desk chair was about to break and give the back of my skull a friendly introduction to the corner of my coffee table.

This week was a whole lot of different emotions and moods. It's ironic because I never used to think of myself as a very emotional person, but I've come to learn (and continue to learn) that I wear my heart on my sleeve pretty openly... somewhat. I am still reserved in all honesty.

I began this week with a feeling of loneliness, and according to my inebriated scribbles in my notebook, I drank a large bottle of junmai sake on June 30th. I was laying on the futon in my room and watching different anime. I finally got around to finishing Maison Ikkoku by watching the final chapter movie. It was fantastic, and I've put it up as a 10/10 on MyAnimeList. Something about that movie felt uncomfortably real and honest, and it touched me deeply. Once again, I can't help but feel for Godai. Continuing my mood for Rumiko Takahashi, I followed up afterwards with some of the original Urusei Yatsura. I have written in here that I "felt a deep sense of nostalgia for otaku culture" when watching the show (and I thought my handwriting was bad when I was sober). I got to episode 19.

The next day I went and repaired a bike, and on the first ride the chain snapped. I was very upset because it happened in the exact same location as the bike blew out a tire. I felt a real sense of defeat, and remember waiting to be picked up so I didn't have to drag a bike multiple miles back to my house. Watching up at the leaves and watching the sky behind them. I felt very much alone, and useless. I felt bad.

This was heightened from earlier that day when I woke up and noticed my water had spilled all over my tatami. It was begging for mold, and I felt miserable. It went under the futon couch and soaked up a ton into my shikki futon. Once again, begging to become a mold factory. After a long time of thinking, I decided to burn the shikki futon. I brought it out into the back yard and threw it in our fire pit. I put cardboard that also needed burnt with it and set it ablaze. My brain kept trying to go places when watching the bed burn. First it was the thought of "oh, if my house caught fire this is what that bed would've looked like in the rubble," which I wasn't happy with crossing my mind. Next came the thoughts about it possibly being symbolic in the future with the possibility my career path doesn't take off the way I am hoping it does. It also didn't make me feel good.

To make up for it, when I got home I ordered a Domino's pizza. The same I usually get; extra cheese, pepperoni, and garlic parmesan sauce instead of marinara. 

I decided that as I inch closer to graduating, I will need to part with the things that will be too awkward and specific for my father to deal with, so I made the decision then and there that it was time to get rid of my tatami and trade it in for a large rug. After talking with my partner about it, he seemingly understood my stance and bought me a rug. It matched the color of tatami, a lovely light tan color. It's texture matches the old carpet my bedroom used to have, and that made me happy. I realized that in an attempt to make my bedroom feel like my bedroom again, I've been reverting it into some bastardized version of my bedroom when I was little, so in 2009 and before. Maybe that bedroom truly lasted up until 2016 when I renovated it. Weirdly enough, I don't honestly remember my bedroom between 2011 and 2015.  I was so engrossed in my computer and nothing but it that the area outside of the screen didn't seem to exist.

The chair I had pulled up from the basement music production studio lasted a few weeks, but quickly began to break this week. I thought I could've had it last until the end of Summer, but like a wooden pickax in Minecraft, its durability depleted in a matter of days. I ended up avoiding my desk for a while as to not sit in it. I thought my futon couch would be safe, but come July 5th, it broke the moment I woke up. It really felt like I couldn't catch a break. I spent the whole day fixing it, and had to sleep on the floor until the next day when the wood glue dried. Thankfully it's back together now, and this morning I fell asleep on it and slept the best I had seemingly slept since maybe sixteen years ago.

I went to Staples today and got a new desk chair, which I hope lasts a while. It's comfortable, so I'm thankful. It's also blue, which is my favorite color.

Earlier in the week I went and read the ending of the Genshiken manga, specifically the second part of Genshiken. It made me furious seeing how it ended. Madarame was very obviously supposed to end up with Hato, which is what I wanted. It was, and is, one of the best written and honest romances I've ever seen. Watching two characters grapple with things society doesn't want from them and really figure out they don't care if they're seen as weird, they really love each other... That was special. It was perfect. Seeing Madarame get fleshed out and being able to come to terms with his desire and want to date a trans woman was wonderful. It reflected what my life was like dating trans people and coming to terms with me being fine with any sex. Reading interviews with the mangaka later on, it seemed that the original plan was to have Madarame get with Hato, but due to backlash they had to change it to the super easy and safe bet as to not make the readers actually feel something. I guess knowing that Hato was the original endgame makes me feel good though, but I'll never like Sue. Yes, I'm still mad over it.

I also finished Golden Kamuy, although I can't remember if I mentioned that previously. It was a fantastic show and probably one of the best things I've seen in recent years. I'm very excited for the final season... whenever that is.

I feel like I want to rush myself to finish this blog post. I'm exhausted. I want to sleep, but I'm hot. For dinner I made soba. It was cold and delicious. I want more, but will have to wait for tomorrow when I make yakisoba. That'll be warm though, unfortunately, although I think it's going to rain tomorrow.

I also hung up the award I got from the college for running the best club/organization of 2025. I'm very proud of that.

I really want to sleep.

Even if I feel happy fixing the issues plaguing my life (broken chair, fixed bed, getting a rug, etc.), there's something somewhere that's bugging me. Something keeping me from being completely happy. I want to know what it is, but I don't know where to begin looking for it. I know it's something in me, but like Alan Watts said, trying to figure out yourself is about as easy as the tip of your finger trying to tough itself.

Anyways, I got 300,000 points in the Happy Home thing for Animal Crossing New Leaf for the first time today. I've been running the same town since release. That felt good.