Struggle ૮ ｡´︿`｡ ა

I feel like I just self sabotage relationships, wether it be friendships or like just anything, I don’t respond for days and days and I feel like such a terrible person and then we just stop talking even though I wanna keep talking. I don’t wanna not talk like I wanna talk to people and I want friends and I LOVE talking to people but I just like I can’t talk and I disappear for half the day and I feel so sick of that and idk how to fix it I want to be close to people and I want to make myself not do that anymore and I’m losing friends because of it and I hate that I do that so much I should be consistent in talking to people and I’m worried I’ll be put on the outside if I don’t talk to them like we won’t be close anymore but I can’t just expect them to like be okay with me totally ghosting them for a week or two and then have me come back and them be like “HIIII HRU?” Cause I feel like that’s not cool of me and it’s even worse when I get attached and then I become super close with that person and then I’m just like “I can’t I need to like get away for a little bit” even though I do wanna talk to them and I try to just force myself to open the chat and talk to that person and actually go through with hangout plans and stuff but it’s so draining physically and mentally 

And do you ever feel like you’re maybe just unwanted too? Is that why I’m avoiding people? Like I feel like that sounds stupid but idk like especially relationship wise for me, I’ve only dated one person and it was really bad and guys don’t even talk to me and I feel so left out cause all of my friends get in relationships and stuff not that I wanna attract guy’s attention but I feel like I’m being left out too idk if that makes sense I wanna be wanted and I idk I feel like I’m just like repulsive idk my personality is decent and I feel like if maybe people talked to maybe they’d enjoy my personality a bit but nobody approaches me and I’m too scared too approach first cause I get so like awkward and nervous and I just can’t do it I’m so scared of rejection of people think I’m weird and I know this is partially my fault and I feel like I’m just living in a hole that I dug full of my own misery and I could get better and I know how to but I’m also struggling on getting better about those things, I wanna be outgoing so bad I want to be wanted by other people and not just romantically obviously, but idk I’m like probably just thinking too much and Idk if it’s like attention seeker to feel like this or to share this online either and I feel like it might be but idk if that’s just my brain being stupid