I didn't intend this to be a song review. I just have thoughts I want to share. Not sure if I'm saying too much or any of it resonates. This is something I've wanted to do for a long time- to try again. I'm not ready to run anyway yet.

As much as I want to talk about how much this song and Hevy Devy means to me, I'd rather just ramble this topic on my mind.

The times I've been most able to attract others to me were when I played music. Whether playing an assortment of obscure music at work, singing and humming like there's no one around (there were many), or playing guitar in a cafe like there's no one around (most people liked it, few did not). That was when people were drawn to me; to ask questions, say hi or simply notice that I exist. I made many friends, lovers, even joined a band this way.

It has been a long time since I've done this. I don't really have friends anymore. Some I've had to walk away from for my own reasons. While it was great to have met them, there were many times I felt unfulfilled. Sometimes they made me uncomfortable, were hard to talk to, and I didn't feel compatible with their personalities. We didn't really have much in common.

I am drawn to others by their passion and interests. I find myself opening up by sharing what is meaningful to me. Those are the moments I become excited; finding someone I can truly resonate with. Other times, I keep to myself and try not to stand out (despite my distinct profile; carrying a guitar everywhere, weeb badges and pins, kurapika shirt, etc lol).

I've realized the people I attract seem to have certain expectations of me. They may think highly of me or find me a snob, they may find me intimidating (intj death stare). But I'm just normal, if not a bit abnormal. I think in the past, I didn't open up much, so they were able to hold onto their illusion of me. At some point, I realized how miserable this made me. I spent so much time allowing myself to fit in because of the attention.

I'd started to go for the things I actually wanted; talking about my interests and experiences. I wanted to have deep intimate relationships; I'd been spoiled in this regard previously, so I knew it was possible. But since then, things haven't gone as well as I hoped. I suppose I didn't seem as cool or interesting as once thought. Maybe I was too alien or weird.

Sometimes, it feels like going back to the me that didn't open up and allowed others to project onto me might bring me happiness again. But I know how empty that felt. There would still be my inner self burning to reveal itself, yet fearing rejection. Sometimes I feel myself getting close to something special but then reject myself due to my trauma; not believing myself worthy.

It could be the cringe, the aversion to fitting in, not allowing myself to identify with labels that cause me to feel this lack of belonging. There was one person in particular (albeit a few) that accepted me as I was, not giving any thought to expectation. They were simply happy that I felt free.

This inspires me to this day to be that person for others. Even though there are stretches of time where friends vanish from view, I've realized that just being myself is worth it. Things come, they go, I embrace my cringe kappa.

~ krsyrh