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So, I don't even know how to start other than saying this is going to be my public diary. Those who want to read can, obviously since it's on the internet. These are going to be my full blown thoughts, confessions, and my life.
I'm currently listening to Over My Head by The Fray, just waiting for my boyfriend to get off of work. I don't know what I'm going to do with my day honestly, it's already 2:41pm, so I guess it's pretty much wasted. I contemplated staying in bed, because honestly, I'm exhausted, physically and mentally.
I saw my mom last night, she was with her junkie friends, and I took one of my friends with and it was completely embarrassing. He told me it was okay, and that he thought my mom was smart and I honestly don't think he was weirded out like people have been in the past.
My mom does heroin, that's her new drug of choice, and it's been like that since I was a baby. On the bright side, I'm making friends that won't get scared off when I tell them about my life now, before people would judge me as if it was my fault how I grew up. Very few friends have accepted me and stuck with me and my chaotic life, but still, hanging out with someone technically for the first time outside of where you know them from, and them to meet your mom, the person who fucked you up and made you who you are, didn't get scared off.
Afterwards when I got home it was literally all I could think about, but not that I was happy. I kept getting scared this person put on a façade and was actually weirded out and probably wants nothing to do with me after meeting my mom. Growing up, my mom and everyone around me left, so I guess that's where my separation anxiety and abandonment issues come into play, because when someone comes into my life, it doesn't matter who it is, I cling, and I hate it so much. I guess it's a comfort thing? I don't know. I just don't want to scare anymore people away.
I'm lucky but also so guilty that my boyfriend stayed with me after meeting my mom and knowing everything that happened to me. Lucky because who would put up and decide to stay with someone so fucked? Guilty because now my life is also his and I don't want him to have to go through all of the drama and baggage my life comes with. He's been with me for almost 5 years, I love him so much, I hate that he has to put up with my family when something happens in my life.
I think I'll stop there, this is already pretty long. For anyone, if you have questions, feel free to ask. This is my "Diary", and I'm an open book.
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