BLCK SHP EXCERPT

I still struggle with the spiritual trauma of a fucked up situation in which my stepdad holds the keys too. Believing that God would be mad at me for expressing the injustices against me. That day was scary as the math teacher took my paper and writing materials. "Get it back at the end of the end." He said. Yet, when I walked down that hallway, I knew something wasn't right. The winds began to get rougher. There was a tornado warning that became a watch. He completely invaded my privacy. "Mrs.Duval has your things, go to the guidance counselors office to retrieve them." I just turned around, wanting to run, but where to? They would find me. And if I act dramatic, they will restrain me and it would be over. My mother would kill me for allowing the events in the house be leaked by an action I would have to answer for. I cannot lie because she sees right through me - everyone do. 

I would only talk to her because I trusted her. She noticed me as I went to class. She cared. As I tell her I am scared, she looks at me in such awe. "What are you scared of?" The wind. In my head, the roof is going to rip off the building and I am going to die. He said not to tell or God will punish me. Flames of fire, Hell. I just wanted to be a good girl. As they took my writings, the children we birthed together, investigated our sacred place, and saw the disgust I had for my mother on the bedroom dresser - I realized that he was going to kill me. What I thought was love wasn't. What made sense didn't anymore. 

Til' this day, it disgusts me how brainwashed by his words and actions I were. He had full control of my mind and the chances I tried to break free laid in the hands of my mothers fatal decision to believe such a man. I guess she wasn't happy with the guy that I would proudly call stepdad and sometimes dad because he cared for my heart when he didn't have to. Even though, he scared me because his light nature reminded me of the very man that raped me - he stole my heart by a storm and it was finally safe. 

When he left, he took my heart along with the life I wanted. He had a small baby girl who I fell in love with. She was my baby sister. I can always protect my little sister by all costs, but they ran away. I learned to move on and somehow survived the constant attack of male counterparts. Wishing one day, I would get pregnant and my mother would see that I was always telling the truth. I never wanted it, yet they never stopped. 

Even in my dreams, she laid there dormant. All eyes on me and he is trying to kill me. They've cornered me. He throws a knife at my face and there is no way I can dodge it. I felt the pain as I wake up in shock. The house was empty, no one was there to help me. So, I tried to proceed with the day by taking a shower until' I begin to lose control of my emotions. Tears pouring at a cost and I am on the bathroom floor in the shower struggling to breathe. Choking on air, yet it feels as if someone is choking me, but I can't see them.

When my brother died, I picked up smoking to ease the pain. To feel nothing. To just become numb to the truth. I couldn't accept it. I couldn't help him. I was too late. 

.... 

....

To Be CONTINUED