Fourth of July Vent

Ive had my cat Berlioz (grey tux) since I was 15. He was a stray cat that one random day, he just showed up in my old apartment complex parking lot. He would sleep in bushes and trees to hide from coyotes here in the desert. He was stuck on a trance waiting and meowing form something, someone...I don't know what! but he would do it day in and day out till he fell asleep. I was the one that brought him home, especially after a few years of him following me around, he always made sure to stick by me when I was unsupervised and outside as a minor. He would sit by me and sleep, he was a good stray cat, crazy, but good. 

But due to a situation with me living with my stepdad and his girlfriend (long story), I could not longer keep him this year and I turned 21 without him by my side. It pained me so much because I was the one that loaded him and 3 other cats in the car. On the way back to my home town, those 3 cats loved me more than the woman who got them. I feel like I betrayed them and their trust putting them in that car. They're currently being rehomed because me and their other cat mom cannot come and get them. It absolutely sucks, I've spent nearly every holiday and birthday with them. Now I don't even have that anymore, it sucks without them. My cat has been with me through every up and down and trauma that I have had in this lifetime. I always said I would be there forever and that I wouldn't abandon him...but now it feels like I'm the biggest liar in the world. He was my grumpy pee pee boy and I love him. Now I silently suffer alone, my cat was always there to stand on my chest or fall asleep next to me when I would have big crying fits....now I cry that way for him.