i wasnt the kid in school that i was in my head

there were these kids, u know the type, they do dumb shit and they r rlly annoying, like devin, he tipped his chair back so far and teacher kept telling him to stop befor he hurts himself. well it tipped all the way back and he hit his head. u know? that kind of kid. the "u get whats coming to u" kind

i wished i had that kindof balls but i was just quiet, wierd, i mean actully wierd, picking and eating my skin and playing with my dandruff sort, and just overall dumb and gullable and easy to fuck with. so i hated kids like devin for being loud and i think the word is brash, the kind to do shit aganst the rules at recess and risk getting hurt and in trouble. he talked how his dad gave him the belt and put his cigaretts out on his skin. as a kid i thougth "keep that to yourself". ur not suppose to talk about ur abuse. get it? he anoyed me but he didnt bully me. i know he liked me, i couldnt stand him, we were like 2 sides of a coin now that i think of it

thats the kindof kid that kicked and screamed to be let out in my head but he was behind concrete walls and no door. u dont talk about the abuse, or if u do, ur ashamed of it. so u just shut up the side of u that wants to be bad. i allways say, if i could go back i would be a bad kid, more like my brother , angry insted of numb, loud insted of turning it all in on myself... would i rlly do it? i want to, not that it matters cuz u cant go back, not rlly

and i couldof had it worse, my cousins got beat u know, my moms brother the drunk beat his kids, and she hit me sumtimes but she didnt give me the belt like my cousins got. they even got the buckle sumtimes. my little siblings got the belt from my stepdad, there dad, but not alot, but he wasnt alowed to put a hand on me so he treated me like a dog insted. and my mom treated me like a dog in a diffrent way. for my stepdad i was like ,to laugh at, or spend time with if he had nuthing better to do. my mom, i was like a emotional punching bag of a lapdog for her. sumthing like that. rlly i guess its pretty simaler but no, it was diffrent ,my mom owned me and my stepdad just got to use me sumtimes

lastnite i had a dream i was a kid like devin in school, it felt great. still a quiet kid but the kindof quiet kid that will explode and u know better then to fuck with him. not in a way that i'll fuck u up but, u know. ..? the kindof kid u dont want to cause a mental breakdown in the middle of class for. oh like ,you ever know a kid who used to staple there hand on purpose? or stick a finger in the pencil sharpener and turn the crank just a little so the queasy kids in class freak out? and u think "that kid will throw a chair and a desk across the room on a bad day". like that , like jeremy speaking in class on the worst day

this one kid in my dream hated me real bad and wanted to hurt me, its funny cuz in real life , me and this kid were friends. wonder what they r doing now. i wonder if lastnite they had a dream they brougth a knife to school to try and stab me in the boys room XD

summer allways gets me thinking about the past. and well its been hotter then satans jock here lateley so i cant go for my walks , so im pent up and got nowhere to put all this. whatever it is, it got nowhere to go. thats y im rambling here, cuz its a start

when my bestfriend was here he gave me this jornal, sick as hell with tarantulas on it and he started to write in it befor he gave it to me but stopped. i think i will write sum thougths in it, and when he visits next i can give it back to him to write in, and we can keep doing that until i dont know

untill its full i guess

then what ? burn it? thats wat i like to do with old shit that no one needs to see. when its rite its rite

my dad had this friend danny with super long hair and the dude would jump over our big bon fires when we had them, scared the shit out of me cuz i thougth he would fall in and burn to death. i wonder if devin grew up to be like danny. i wonder if another me grew up to be like danny (or, my dad, who was a trouble maker untill awhile after i was born)

if i was raised by my dad insted of "raised" by my mom, would i still be a dog? i like being a dog. not in sum dumbass puppyboy way (i hate that shit) ,but u know, i found my chain and i like my chain. he treats me, and i dont even need to be a good dog

Published by piss dude -.-

i wasnt the kid in school that i was in my head

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