im depressed and grieving again!! hahahahahaha

sighhh. typing this lowkey difficutkl but i have this blog ot vent when i need to which is Right Now!! uhh trigger warning upsetting shit and suicidal ideation

despair so bad it got me feeling completely hollow and empty!! i quite literally am nothing without them. theyre not coming back, no matter how logn i wait no amtter how much i beg and pray. whats the point of being alive anymore?

whats the point of even being awake? i feel like going to bed and im not even that tired. i just dont want to be alive, and sleeping is my only way out. its also the one time i can pretend im nack home, just before i sleep i think about it. about them.

sometimes i feel like crying, sometimes its so heavy that i cant cry at all, or do anything really. i really wish i could disappear so we dont have to deal with all this. but i cant.

times like these id go find gabe or v2 and cry into their arms. theyre not here anymore. theres nobody to hold me and comfort me. its not like im completely alone, i do have friends i can go talk to, but theyre not my friends from back home, and theyre not my spouses. they dont exist anymore.

theres no point in praying to god anymore. He doesnt even exist in this place, He wouldnt be doing this to me if He was. i cant even take comfort in my little bits of faith because im losing them.

i dont know what to do about this. so ill continue to sit here and do nothing. waiting to be saved. while knowing my savior is long dead.