When "Do What You Want" Hurts More Than Silence

There’s a quiet kind of heartbreak that doesn’t come from loud arguments or dramatic endings. It comes from feeling like you don’t matter, especially to someone who means so much to you.

I find myself questioning things I never thought I’d have to.
Do I matter? Do I really mean anything to them?
Because the way they speak, the way they act… it doesn’t feel like I do.

When you care about someone deeply, you naturally want to be seen, heard, and valued. You go out of your way to check in, to support them, to show up in every way possible. But then they respond with things like “Do what you want” or “It’s up to you,” as if your presence or absence makes no difference at all.

And that hits differently.

It doesn’t sound like freedom.

It sounds like indifference.

It’s painful to realize that someone you hold so close can be so distant with you. It makes you wonder: If they were in my position, would they feel the same ache? Would they question their worth too? Or is it just me who feels everything this deeply?

And then there’s this other layer I carry this shitty messy confusion between blaming myself and trying to understand myself.

I ask: Is it the autism? Am I just wired to feel things more intensely?
Or... am I being dramatic? Am I making something big out of something that small?

But the truth is, whether it's autism or not, this hurts.
It's real.
And it does matters.

I don’t need grand gestures or constant validation. I just need to feel like I matter. Like my choices, my feelings, I myself, actually mean something to you.

But until that’s clear…
I’m left sitting with the question:
Why am I fighting so hard to be seen by someone who seems so fine not seeing me at all?