on processing life

recently someone told me to get over my emotions when i was explaining to them the grief i've been processing from big changes that have happened in my life lately. i thought things were truly going to be different than they ended up being, so i've been grieving the loss of those chances, and what could and should have been. it's such an intense feeling, it makes me feel so drained and heavy. but someone closest to the situation told me to just get over my own emotions. i am so close with her, but she makes me feel so awful sometimes :/ the thing is, growing up she was never able to be there to support me emotionally, yet she was the only other person i could have turned to about stuff i was feeling. even back then, though, it seems like every time i tell her about what i'm feeling she puts a biblical twist on it to where it's something i "have to fight" Or Else. i can't just express to her my frustrations and pain, pain that is out of my control. i am a pretty open person, but a lot of times i have a conflict internally when confiding in someone because i was used to those hopes of being understood let down.

usually i would give in and just agree that, yes, i need to fight this or else satan will take over just so i can leave the conversation. this time, though, i put my foot down. i told her i stand by what i feel, and that the ideas i had coming from such a hard situation weren't too far-fetched and that what i was feeling was valid. i am not used to feeling like my emotions are justified, i'm used to second-guessing them and thinking i'm just exaggerating or being too dramatic. it's almost like my brain tries to beat to the punch what anyone else could think about what i feel. but this time around, i think i was just sick of it. sick of my being let down so hard, sick of the cycles of hope that end in grief, sick of her telling me to get over it. because no, for right now i will not get over it. i am allowed to hold space for my emotions, even if they are bigger than some other people's. i am allowed to take up space.

the fact that i can take up space, the fact that all of us can, is enough. being human is enough. eventually i will come to terms with everything, but for now i need to feel it out