No, yo I get so like...lovesick randomly. Like...I can operate perfectly fine on my own, I consider myself to be mostly independent but then it's like.."damn, if i had a hug rn that would be great" if ykwim. Like I'm not actively looking for anyone but it's also like...more fun to have a crush? Idk. It's like, when you like someone you have someone to be happy to see everyday, someone you actually want to be around and talk to. AND they make you sorta giddy so that's a plus.
The issue with me and crushes is the fact that everytime I'm in a relationship I get left due to them falling out of love so I question if I'm actually likeable. I just sort of feel like I'm everyone's two week phase they fall out of, and that's always what happens. I honestly don't even know what love even is meant to be anymore. It's a sad expectation to have of it too, I can never fully trust or accept what anyone says to me because it's like... "Damn, one day you'll leave me too." I expect everyone to leave me so it's just 😶😶 Or I'll just put myself in such a bad headspace that I won't feel anything for anyone. Coz...u can't really get hurt if you do that. And again that's such a sad expectation to have of any relationships but I lowkey think I have the right to think like that...coz it's happened like...6 times in a row.
I kind of sit there whenever I'm complemented. I don't even remember how to act to stuff other than laughing. Except, it gets tiring at laughing at everything. So now it's either curse or don't react anymore. Which is dumb, because internally I am OVERreacting. Outside I start hitting that intruder stare, but inside I'm crashing out. It's not healthy man. I overthink everything that's said to me. I can't tell the difference between a joke or sincerity because my view of sincerity has been distorted so bad that EVERYTHING is a joke. Like that's not even me trying to be edgy or like funny about it. My life is a joke at this point.
I don't know what to do anymore man.
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mia
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I know what this is like and i cant tell you it'll be better because its only what you yourself make it, but you'll find someone eventually everyone else is just dicks who dont see you for who you truly are and thats there fault that they cant see that your a better human that has more complex feelings than them
Thank you so much, this helped my clear up my head a little bit.
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