I miss 2009...

I'll start in January, not because it is the first month but because something fairly significant happened to me. My first boyfriend. 

He sat on my bus with me and we didn't live that far away from each other. We would listen to the "greats" together on the way home from school (The Devil Wears Prada, Bring Me The Horizon, you get the idea.) At the time, I didn't live in the greatest household; my father was a divorced, distant, and abusive alcoholic, so most of the time, if I weren't hiding in my room, I would be babysitting my younger siblings. Because of this I never got to leave my house; somehow the responsibility of 2 children rested on a 14 year old. 

Anyways, I somehow go myself out of my house for a day; I'm pretty sure the excuse was that I had a group project, but really I just wanted a chance to hang out with the boy that road my bus. That day was significant to me because I thought that I would finally ask him to be my boyfriend. Mind you this wasn't completely out of no where, I caught him staring at me in our Japanese class several times, so I thought I may as well shoot my shot, yanno? 

I asked in the MOST CHEESY WAY POSSIBLE; it was cold outside, enough to make the screen door fog up on the inside, and I literally wrote "will you go out with me" on that windows. Thank the gods he said yes. However, this a little more than a dumb teenaged love or whatever. This is how one single person taught me how to love myself for me, and not my looks.

I WAS NOT AT ALL GOOD LOOKING IN HIGH SCHOOL!

Which I am sure is something else that all of you can relate to as well. (I truly do NOT understand what they put in the food these days to make these kids look like super models at 13 because I looked like a flat cereal box with really fucked up teeth and glasses.)

Considering my looks and home situation, I really didn't think that this guy was going to date me but he did. I never told him about my home life, EVER, because I was so afraid of what would happen if I did. Like I mentioned, my father was abusive. He was a light hoarder, always worked, drank after he got home and hardly talked to us kinds unless it was for a ruthless beating because of our interim reports/report cards. So, needless to say, my home life alone put my self esteem at the lowest of lows. 

One day on the bus with my new boyfriend, I had a casual case of "word vomit" with a side of crying. I was so scared that this boy was going to leave me, when he was one of the only loves that I got to choose, and loved me back. I looked at him and asked him if he was going to leave, while tearing up; he kinda got mad at me for thinking that he would do that to me. I told him that I KNOW I am not the best looking girl and that he would probably prefer someone that has updated clothes, a better smile and no glasses; but what he told me stuck with me until this day.

"None of that matters to me and I am upset that you think it would. Not everyone is like that when it comes to relationships. I love you for your laugh, your personality, and the way you want to make sure everyone else in the room is laughing and content before yourself. Things like that are important, not superficial things...but I think you are cute and kind and those things are just a bonus to your already great self."

I will never forget this boy, I still talk to him to this day from time to time. I have told him how much I appreciate him and his kind words...because without them, I am not sure that I would have gotten through the abusive household...or learned to love myself as much as I do now.

Don't get my wrong, ya girl still has crippling depression and anxiety...but hey...don't we all?

Thanks for reading my small little dose of teenaged 2009 drama. I'm always happy to share more, it is very therapeutic to me, so if you are curious on more of my life, ask and I will do my best to oblige. 

With Love,

Sriracha (uwu)